The wisest part of my nature pushed her away through the worst part of my nature.
- This is ultimately the paradox I must comes to terms with. I was the one ever in the wrong. I was the one who was the one who acted badly, yet I truly believe she was the bad seed. She lacked wisdom he actions will lead to a place I fear going. I acted so badly cause I was so deathly afraid of what I was falling into, love with someone unworthy of it. I was never able to feel at peace with her, ever fact I learned of her past made me more worried. I knew she wasn’t the one I had been striving for because she was doing nothing of the sort for me before I had met her. I have been ridden with guilt ever since because I know I am the one who acted wrong in the relationship. I clearly was the dysfunctional one. But it was her past and my lack of trust in her character (and the speed at which things were progressing) that ultimately revealed this part of myself. If she would have had a Soul and Character that I could trust, we would have lasted forever and I know it because we were perfect in so many ways and I would have been happy to rest and settle with her. But all of those other things I loved about her are much less rare than virtue. Virtue is more precious and rare than rubies. That is the single characteristic I have been waiting for and the one that has been so hard to find. If virtue wasn’t my ultimate standard, Alyssa and I could have been happy and, on top of that, me and 100 other beautiful girls I have met could have been happy together. I had lost complete sight of this while with her. I had lost my virginity and fallen head over heels. I wasn’t seeing clearly. The only thing I can think is that my Soul, the wisest part of myself, utilized my weakness and vice to push her away from me, in order to get the outcome that I deeply knew was right but was far to weak to execute. Now it’s a blessing to her too. She doesn't have to be in the wrong. I am the bad guy. She decided to leave because she wanted to. She has been spared all these horrible emotions that I now have to process. I am happy for that. I would hate it if she had to come to terms with all the things I have been coming to terms with. And I am thankful that I am forced to face all these things. The most important lessons of my life have been the result of all this. I am certain everything has happened exactly as it should’ve. God’s hand has been guiding me the whole way through.
Don’t forget that beautiful girl reading her Bible on the train in Paris after that night with that girl. That is related somehow to Alyssa. Don’t forget that Christian mother you saw with her daughter getting off the train in St. Cyr. The love and admiration for those women that you felt, is more important than anything you ever felt for Alyssa.
I love her so much and will until I die, but I must believe this is all for the best. God, please bless her and draw he close to you. At this point, I have become convinced that reunion wouldn’t be best, but I still long for a better resolution though I have no idea how that could possibly be. Draw her to you, draw her to wisdom, draw her to virtue.
There was nothing heroic
That I have done for her.
And still, I wish I was her hero.
I only used her,
And for all the ways
She couldn’t meet my needs
I abused her.
God, guilt is ever present from within
With no way to apologize.
I pray and hope for resolution,
One last healing look from her eyes.
Notion idea:
Book view: Basically a way to turn pages from a database into a single page with all entries open to scroll through.
Workflow Idea:
I am listening to Alex Hormozi talk about his content workflow. He starts on Twitter. He says if things are successful there they will do well in other formats because words are least flashy. If the resonate as words, they will resonate in other forms.
I need to begin applying this. For me, these daily journals are the best thing I can do each day. They are easy and will help me capture my thoughts with ease and zero pressure. Then, the following day I can go through these and turn each solid idea into a tweet and thread. From there I can see what resonates and make the most successful into a video. At the beginning though I should just make everything into a video.
This will help me become a better writer and communicator, which is one of my biggest goals in life.
X book notes.
I don’t really know how Twitter works yet, but I am thinking that I can use Twitter threads to present all of my book notes and thoughts on those quotes. I will have to begin consuming more Twitter to see how to do it, but I think it could work.
Hormozi wants to document and share the process of becoming Bezos. I want to document and share the process of becoming Da Vinci.
If I am going to finish painting those entire apartment before Monday here is how I can:
- Trim everything before I go to bed.
- Patch all holes too so that they can dry while I sleep.
- Wake up early enough to get to do two coats on everything.
- First thing tomorrow would be finishing all patches:
- Getting them flush and sturdy and clean.
- Then priming them.
- Then roll everything.
- After first coat is finished, enough time will have passed to start again because where I began will be dry.
Painting is such a good metaphor for work in general. So much of the time at the beginning is focused on details. You give the majority of the time to covering the least amount of area with paint. But you do all of that detailed work to make rolling (covering other 98 percent of area) easy and fast.
If you build a solid foundation, one day everything will pay off. You’ll get the results you wanted at the beginning almost easily. But it wasn’t the rolling that was the work that mattered it was the trimming and patching.
It’s the same with writing. The hardest part is always the pre-work of figuring out what is the important stuff to say and how to say it all in the best order. That takes forever, and it feels so unproductive and unsatisfying. We long so much to get to putting words down (rolling), so that we can see the progress and outcome coming into being. But if we rush the pre-work, the writing and rolling is more difficult and the final product worse.
Trust the process with everything in life. Never cut a single corner. Never get discouraged when it feel all your efforts are leading to no outcome. The efforts that feel the least productive, are always the efforts that matter most.
It’s just occurred to me that that is the exact season of life I am in right now. I’m getting things in place. But trust that I am building a good foundation and don’t rush.
This system I am building of collecting all of my thoughts and ideas will be what allows me to not let the experiences of my life “fall on deaf ears.” I will make sure they are heard and learned from.
How many things happen to people each day that teach them a lesson? Or how many things are said in conversation that are so great and should be turned into writing? These are fruits that rot on the tree and fall to the ground. I want to pick every fruit that comes across my path.
That has got me thinking though if the metaphor of tress and fruits. Fruits come to bear and if you don’t pick them they fall and rot. Once on the ground they nourish the soil and fertilize the roots. Those nutrients turn into next seasons fruits.
Going back to what I had said last, if you can’t turn the experience into a fruit. The fact that you still had the experience, nourished your soil/soul. It will come out again some day in a new fruit.
It also could be a metaphor for making the unconscious conscious. When you pick and eat a fruit you integrate it into your being. When you don’t, these things rot and fall and add to your subconscious.
Just listened to this quick podcast with Matthew Hussey and Matthew McConaughey. MC talked about how the most important thing to see in a relationship is if the person meets your “moral bottom line.” If they don’t, you need to move on. That gave me some real solace in the splitting of me and Alyssa.
He also talked about how bad he wanted to be a dad and how desperate he was looking for a mate. He had to come to peace with the possibility of those things never happening. He had to be patient and take things slowly. His wife came to him when he wasn’t looking so hard and if was the right woman at the right time. God, I believe this can be what happens for me too.
The comments scared me though cause it was filled with people much older than me who are still waiting for the right one. That truly does scare me. It’s my worst fear actually, but I trust you God.
Been listening to August’s Skool 1-Day lectures while painting. I am learning a lot. Learning more that simple is better. I need to find the simplest but most valuable thing I cn offer and then just do that over and over. God, help me find this. I think a good place to start is to find what I have already been building and then double down on all that. I need to stop looking for the new or other thing that I can offer. I just need to be humble enough to offer what I have and what I am.