God, my heart is so broken. I know it’s for the best. I know that Alyssa was far from your best for me. But I wasn’t wise in this situation. I gave myself to her way before knowing her character. I can’t but help playing every detail in my head over and over. Talking to her for the first time at the restaurant. Her smile. All of it. Riding her One-Wheel. Gosh she was perfect. But she wasn’t in so many ways too. I could never feel at peace with her. I never felt safe with her because to me the whole situation smelled of imprudence.
But still there was so many signs of Fate that made it seem to me like it could’ve been her and I should give her a chance. So I did, but I was never able to run from the feelings that I was settling for her. These feeling led to the painful conversations I put her though. I am so upset with myself for all these things. I hate loving someone so much and having no way of showing them that love. But if I would have been acting wisely, as I normally would’ve, I would have never gotten to the point of love for her. I can’t say that I would actually be any better off for that.
I know that if I were to ever act as i did with Alyssa again that it would be complete lack of wisdom and imprudence, but I know that I was supposed to do everything I did this summer. I know because I am so much better off for having done it. The amount that I think about Alyssa now, I used to think about having sex and a relationship. I had so much curiosity and it ruined me. Now I know everything that I was horribly curious about.
I know now, that wisdom is truly the best path. I know that virtue is all that matters now. I knew it before, but i know it in my bones now. I know that we get away with nothing now. I know that the smallest moral imperfection has a deep consequence. God, for so many reasons, I know that this summer had to happen exactly as it did. But, man, it hurts so bad to love someone and have to lose her forever.
I shouldn’t focus on the loss though. I must focus on all the goods, all the positives. I must focus on the beautiful moments I get to hold forever. I must hold on the the hope that I will get to have so many more of those one day at the proper time, and that those future memories won’t be tainted by the fear that I am sharing this beauty with someone who I doesn’t deserve my heart. I hope she is better off for having loved me. It’s hard to say. Sadly, I don’t think she thinks much about how to be better and more virtuous. But I can’t change that as much I wanted to.
God, I loved her. I still do. I know I will until I meet that new person who completely eclipses her. I hate that she doesn’t think about me. I hate that she doesn’t care for me. What we shared, ere the most special moments of my life. But, I lived in a way beforehand that made that possible. She lived in a way beforehand that made our moments just some among many for her, and sadly I know that she’ll live in a way henceforward to make our moments less and less special in time.
I wish she could have been different. There was so much about her that was all i have ever wanted. She was so goofy and sweet and comfortable. She was so beautiful. But I never felt she was special morally. She lived as everyone else did. She didn’t try to live in a way that was better. I don’t know why that matters to me so much, but it does and always will. I need someone of virtue. I need someone of moral strength and purity. I need someone who loves wisdom and God more than all else. That is the most rare quality on earth. Alyssa not meeting that standard is tragic, but no one before her had met that standard either. I just gave myself to her.
That is the only difference between her and everyone else. Just because I gave myself to her, just because I loved her more than anyone ever, it doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t make her any better. All it means is she’s harder to not think about. It actually just means she is the worst distraction from me finding the right girl. Everyone else I don’t even think twice about when they don’t meet my standard. I almost gave my whole life to her. That only makes her the more dangerous.
God, I will never understand why I cried the first time I saw her. I will never understand how last minute and on a whim I book the place in St. Cyr. I will never understand how the magician, Zoe, Carla, Adrien all aligned to make me ripe to fall. I will never understand that shooting star. I will never understand why the last time I saw her it felt like I’d see her again, more surely than anything. I will never understand how she had to be perfect for me in so many ways that You knew would be perfect, and how she also had to have blemishes that you knew would make me distraught. The whole moment, the whole season. It reeks of you and yet right now I am so lost. I am so confused.
“Work and live, work and live.” In time all these questions will have answers. I trust that. Lord, if she isn’t the one. It’s beautiful to think how much Fate was at play even in one of my sideshows. God, bless her. Show her your face. Draw her to virtue. Help me to grow in the meantime. I know you are preparing me right now. But I just don’t know for what, or who, or when. But that isn’t for me to know. All that I am meant to know is today. Today, has blessing and opportunity. Today, has goodness. All will be well. The best way to guarantee the beauty of the future is to will yourself into an attitude of Goodness, Openness, Cheerfulness, Hope, and Gratitude today and everyday. Focus on the right things. Think upon the right things. All will be well in time.
Love is an infinite game. The point of love it to keep loving. That changes the focus a lot for most people. If you set that as the goal, the people you allow yourself to love changes a lot.
I’ve been being on my phone way too much. I hate it. I’ve been going to it every time I’m thinking about Alyssa or feeling lonesome and just need a distraction, but this is no way to live. I am wasting so much time and not feeling proud of myself doing it. I’ve been scrolling on Instagram to which is absolutely new for me, but it’s because I’ve been going see if she’s posted any stories.
Ultimately, I know who I am now. I know I have enough strength to stop I just need to decide to. I really want to stop being on my phone all together. I think I need to enter a season of silence and focus, not of noise and distraction. It’s funny I really think focus and silence are an undeniable pair and so is noise and distraction. That’s good to know. Focus is what I need more than anything right now.
I was thinking today about that thing I heard of Socrates. Supposedly his daemon never told him what to do, but it told him what not to do.
This guy me thinking, I should never tell myself what to do. That would take away from my freedom to choose moment by moment. But I should have a bunch of things that I don’t do and then once all the lagniappe is eliminated there will only be a limited number of healthy options for each moment.
Brainstorm:
- I do not watch YouTube.
- I do not sleep past 10.
- I do not go to bed later than 1.
- Etc.
I don’t know maybe it wouldn’t work.
I am very tired of living mediocrely. I must desist from focusing on my lack. I must focus on my plenty. I must focus on my grand future. I most focus on creating beautiful present moments that I am proud of. There is no room for vice in my life anymore. It is so unsatisfying and you will always have to answer for it. I want extreme focus right now. My character flaws right now are lack of focus and indolence. I need to become more industrious.
I want my days to be too high emotionally. I have a restless spirit. This no longer serves me. I must become content with the simplest and most wholesome things. I no longer want this appetite for rich things. Give me an appetite for work.
I need stronger self-will. I don’t like how helpless I allow myself to be. I want a stronger mind. A mind that allows me to win and be excellent. No longer can I tolerate behavior that is not excellent. Excellence is one of the main purposes of human life I think. I know because every time I have allowed less that great behavior it has bitten me in return.
I need to try to cultivate a simple and wholesome routine. I need to try to cultivate silence and lack of consumption.
It is 21 days until November 11th. I am launching Autodidact then. I have so much to get ready. I need to make a gameplan for that. Right now my main goals still are applying to Ralston and finishing painting. Once those are done I will have more attention to focus on Autodidact. But I have not been working like there is any urgency. God, help me change that.
I also need to start defining my focus. What is my focus right now?
- Paint apartment.
- Apply to Ralston
- Complete Notion Template and Website.
- Build Skool
- Focus on Creating Content to drive traffic.
- YouTube first.
- Maybe Twitter. threads, and Instagram too if it doesn’t divert focus. (At the beginning (and at the end), you can be destroyed by trying to do too much.)
I really must begin making money soon. God, you have given me the vision, but I need to cultivate the character that can execute. I know you will help me do that too. There is no use in focusing on the romantic aspect of my life right now. Just have focus. There is so much to enjoy alone right now. And there is so much to enjoy with others too. But just spend your solitude well in these following days. Stop being so distracted.
I am committing to myself right now that I will not watch YouTube again for the rest of the semester, except for on my TV on Sundays for an hour and I will not listen to anything except for the Skool 1 days. No music or podcasts for a while. I need focus right now. I also need wean my restless soul off of stimulation.