Today is my first day of silence and it is actually going very well. I woke up from a nap earlier extremely sad and desperate for Alyssa. This is normally when the pain would have made me pick up my phone, stalk her accounts, and then scroll for the next hour. But today, I just sat through the pain. It only lasted like 7-10 minutes and then I actually felt way better. It felt as if I was back to my old baseline of mood. This is great and definitely the right strategy from here on out. I am feeling a lot of progress in actually getting over her. I still miss her greatly. I still regret so much that I have done. But, I am coming to terms with all of it and am more hopeful for the future than ever. These truly have been some of the most formative days of my life (and will continue to be for a while) so I can’t despise the suffering for its the cause of the good work.
I had the deep feeling last night that I need to begin training the skill of being genuinely cheerful and joyful in my solitude and singleness. I have taken the words of Hormozi to heart too. These aren’t states that are induced by mysticism, but by behaviors and actions. You can systematically embody and become any trait you desire. So let’s reverse engineer this. What are the actions that i find induce joy in me? Or what are the actions I find I take naturally, spontaneously, when I am feeling joy?
- I smile.
- I listen better because I’m less in my head.
- Im excited to see people. I am excited by the smallest things.
- I am curious.
- I am thinking thankful thoughts.
- I am aware of the good in my life, rather than the things I don’t have or dislike.
- I don’t worry.
- I am open.
- I am fully present and only aware of how full I am in this present.
- If I don’t feel full, I pray and focus my attention on the good.
- I am working more.
- I have no fear for the future. I see all that God has done for me in the past.
- Etc.
Still not an overly comprehensive list, but I did it quickly. The most important thing is that I begin being aware of the behaviors that I find induce joy in myself and the ones that I find induce pity and suffering in me.
I really do find that a state of cheerfulness. joy, innocence, hope are the most desirable traits a person can have. It’s a skillset, just like any other. As a kid I did these things with ease. I found my way to melancholia as an adult, but through suffering I am finding my way back to my state of childhood. It’s a beautiful thing really.
God, I am really sorry for how I treated Alyssa. Show her how much I love her. Show her how sorry I am. Show her that she is worthy and enough. Show her that you are the only answer. Please forgive me. Help me to just do better next time with the next girl. There is no way to redeem the Alyssa situation now. There is nothing I can do to make amends for the damage I have caused. Plus, to rekindle a relationship with her now would only make it harder because at this point I do know we aren’t meant to be. But even still, I long so badly to talk with her and make things right. If it’s you will Lord please let it be done in time.
God, I am so blessed. I am blessed for having loved a beautiful girl. I am blessed for having that beautiful girl who didn’t meet my moral standards or share my values stripped away from me before I could unwisely join myself to her. I am blessed. Thank you for what I did get to experience. Thank you for saving me from many other experiences. It ended earlier than I would have liked. At first I hated this. But now I see how much each memory has impacted me forever. It’s a blessing I don’t have so many more to haunt me. It’s a blessing there is so much I can do for the first time now with the woman I’ll marry. It is all good. It is all a blessing.
I had such a good workout today. My pull-ups felt amazing and I went heavy. My deadlifts were the best they have ever been by far. I was so strong today it was crazy! Thank you for that. Please help me to stay healthy and consistent. I can’t wait to see where I’ll bee in time. I also want to keep hanging everyday. I did find that really helped my shoulder. One day I hope to have rehabbed my right shoulder to perfect health. We were able to do it with my ribs over the years, I know you can help me with my shoulders and hips, but I just need to start applying myself to those movements.