Hey Alyssa,
I’ve been really missing you. Based off of how distant you’ve been, I’m worried you’ve already decided that we are over. I’m worried you decided that this wasn’t just a “break.”
I know the last thing that anyone should ever want to do is have you convince someone to love them. That is a thing that can’t be done. Love cannot be convinced, but earned through sweet, positive interactions.
It seems you have no faith or trust that you and I can have future positive interactions. You think that what has happened and the way you feel now is permanent and that the way I was is permanent.
I think that just as fast as you fell in love with me, then fell out of love, we can just as easily gain that love back if only you open up to me again, and I come back secure and confident in myself and our love.
You think I won’t be able to change because of how I was in the beginning is how I’ll always be. I really disagree with you here because I know how much I’ve already been changing and how much I can continue to change.
I think you would agree with me that if you put someone in a completely unfamiliar, unknown environment and then they were feeling tons of new feelings, insecurities, and pressures. That with these circumstances they might act much different than themselves for a bit.
This is exactly what happened to me. I tried to change as fast as I could but it wasn’t fast enough. But now that we’ve had some time apart I know I can come back much more secure and much more myself.
I really, really believe that what we had is extremely special. I believe the compatibility we had is extremely rare and that we shouldn’t throw away something so special over some problems at the beginning; however big they seem now they really are so small if we just give them time and begin to nourish our relationship again by doing fun things together.
We need to have moments again acting like monkeys, holding hands, kissing under blankets with the sun, looking into each others eyes, listening to music that we both enjoy, paddle boarding, slack lining, traveling, etc. These are all things that are beautiful and make life worth living and we both love doing them and can do them with each other for as long as we’d like.
I just really want to give our relationship a chance to grow without all the pressure that I was very immaturely and unwisely putting on it at the beginning. I was so afraid of so many things. I was afraid of loving you and us not being compatible. I was so afraid of loving you and you not loving me back. I was so afraid of loving you and then losing you or not having you forever.
I see now that these fears we very stupid and that I should have just enjoyed the present and continued to take bites of a delicious potato without worrying about anything else.
All these fears and insecurities and uncertainties of mine are what led to the bad actions and mistakes that I made. They are why I could t get over the past, they are why every time we talked it had to be so serious and heavy instead of light and playful, it why every time we had time away from each other I’d send you tons of exhausting texts, it why I was punishing you and criticizing you and being so mean. My fear of living with uncertainty about the future made me ruin the present.
I think you may be doing the exact same thing now. You don’t like how I’ve acted. You don’t trust me anymore. You don’t want to live on hope. You’re uncertain if I will change. You fear the future won’t get better. You’re letting your fears and insecurities about the future let you make a bad decision in the present too. You’ve turned your back on us and are closing the door permanently because your too afraid that things won’t change or that you’re being naive. So you close the door on hoper permanently. You’re giving it no chance at all to get better. And with a relationship like ours, with the love we had and the compatibility we shared, I think it is really, really a hasty and unwise decision.
I think the cost of losing our relationship forever is so much worse than giving it one more month. If you give it one more month you’ll get to know me so much better. You’ll get such a better feel for the relationship and what it can be and where it may lead. If you give it one more month you can have so much more evidence to confidently make a final decision if you feel you still want to at that point.
Another reason I think you should give it one more month is because I am extremely willing and can actually make it happen that I stay in St Cyr until September. Now I’ m not saying I have to stay that long at all. Please don’t hear that and think I’m putting any pressure on you. It’s just that I’ve looked at flight from Marseille to New Orleans and they are basically only $1,000 each day of the month. That being said, I can just come to St cyr and stay as long as you want me to. If after a week you want me to live. I will the next day with no regrets. And if things get good and remain good. I’ll leave once I have school, once again with no regrets because we were able to keep something so precious and make it healthy again.
I just really believe we’ll regret things we don’t do so much more than things we did do. And I would hate die or continue to live having know that you and I could’ve had so much more but gave on it to early.
I also think the beginning of our relationship is not over. You keep saying that if it’s this bad at the beginning it won’t get any better and you take that as fact. But in my opinion we could still be in “the beginning” for the first year. Now I’m not saying we need to give it a year if we don’t want to, but I’m just saying if things get much better within a month then our start and beginning is still really good and will be a great foundation to build upon. Really, like we’ve had such a fast and crazy relationship so far but if we can work through it and things get much better, I think these high pressure times will really bond us much closer and deeper. We’ll know what we’ve been through with each other and that will deepen trust and give us hoper for the future.
I also think that the distance has been one of the main pressures that have led some of the issues. It’s really hard especially n the beginning to not see each other. It does lead to a lot of insecurity and a lot of fear and it does put so much pressure on the relationship. Even when we had time with each other I think the fact that we knew we’d be leaving each other in a few days led to a lot of the negative interactions and feelings. We couldn’t be completely present and comfortable with each other at any point yet. I think if you’d let me come to St Cyr for a while the daily, positive, light and simple interactions would really heal us. Cooking breakfast together, slack lining together, swimming together, napping together on your rock, going to bed early and waking up early, getting ice cream, and talking about beautiful things while we get to hear more things from each other that we love to hear.
We didn’t get enough of that cause I made the conversations have too much pressure. But I think if we’d get more time with each other we’d get to hear so many more things that we love to hear about each other. For example your opinions on how the color and warmth of a light bulb really effect the mood of a place, or how you didn’t like the lights and architecture in Sorrento, or how you like to clean your face and why. I could go on. And you know there are so many things I said like this too that you loved. You just haven’t been focusing on them. Just like I lost my focus on the good things for a while too.
Also, if I go to St cyr I could maybe work at the restaurant with you like we talked about just washing dishes or anything they’d let me do. And you’d get to see my work ethic and that it’s like yours and you’d love me for it. And if I can’t get a job at your place, I’d have time to write, and make videos, and work on my website l, and exercise at the park. Then you’ve again you’d get to see my work ethic and love me for it. Either way, I’m mostly just saying there will be no pressure on you if I come because I know I’ll find great ways to spend my time while you work.
And because I know I’ll get to see you everyday I won’t be so emotionally needy and tiring. I know for a fact that I was only being like that because of how crazy and unfamiliar everything was for me. I’m really such a laid back, easy going person who people love to be around and who does not drain anyone but only adds value to their life. I promise you this is true. I’m sorry for how I was at the beginning keeping you up all night and talking about heavy things and just wearing you out. I know this will change will more time to. There is no need for hope on this one. This will change if only you give it more time. And I really want the chance to begin adding value and joy to your life again.
Another thing I know is that you you think you are still young and that you don’t want to feel trapped when there is still so much fun and life to be had. I agree with you. It was way too early for us to begin talking of marriage and a permanent future with one another. (I really just wanted a false security by pushing for that. But I know know that marriage or not, love can be lost if you don’t behave in a way that honors and respects your partner.) But I truly believe that if what you want is an adventurous and fun youth. Then you’d be making the right decision by giving us more time. I feel like if you close yourself off to us you are actually being way less adventurous and just want security more than anything else. If you give us a more time we can have the adventure of me coming to St cyr. Then if st cyr goes well we can have the adventure of you coming to America. And if America goes as well we can go for a van trip all around north and South America rock climbing, camping and swimming. And if that goes well who knows what could happen. I’m not saying this to put pressure. I am basically just saying that you know yourself well enough to know that you are secure and confident enough to leave this relationship any time you feel ready, as you have already done (and I really do respect you for it. I’m not lying! The fact that you were so quick to leave when I wasn’t treating you right show me how healthy and confident you are. Now, I do thing you’d be acting unhealthy and unwisely, if you gave up on us simply to prove to yourself that you could leave another relationship and not get trapped or because you wanted to avoid the pain of uncertainty. If you’re giving up on us out of fear then I really think you should take a chance and give us more time.)
There is no pressure on any of this. I just really want you to recognize how beautiful and special everything we have is and how much better it really could get with more time. We really have so much more adventures in store. And if we do all those adventures and decide, that we then want to part ways… we’ll then that will be what it is. But I don’t think we should end our relationship this early with so much potential still in store.
Another thing is I know you were disappointed that I had to read a book to begin changing. And that I couldn’t just act naturally perfect from the get go. I just want to tell you that the book didn’t change me. It only helped me realize all the bad things I was doing because I was so scared, insecure, and uncertain in my first relationship. It helped me remember how I am in every other healthy relationship of my life and how just need to become secure so I can begin letting my true self out with you. I know your like it came naturally for you and you don’t like that it was difficult for me at first. But I really just want you to take the actuality of the situation into context. I wasn’t at my home where I’d feel secure, I had never been in a relationship, and I had always wanted one and really was scared to lose it.
Now that I’ve already kind of lost you though, I know that life will go on afterward and still be beautiful and have hope and that I don’t need to fear losing you so much that I hold on too tight and put so much pressure on it and stuff. But once again you’ll only be able to see if any of these changes have occurred in me if you give me more time.
Now I really have admitted where I have been wrong and acted immature. And I know I will change. You were so great to me while we were together and everything you showed me about yourself was that you were worth the investment of my time and love. The only things I think you may be acting immaturely with and making a mistake with are be thinking temporary feelings will never change. And making a permanent decision so quickly and not giving this another chance.
Alyssa I still love you very much and am willing to work through all of this. I really hope you love me enough to work through all this too. But I know things like this can’t be forced. But if we give it the opportunity I seriously know that seeds can be planted and begin to grow again.
Another thing is that I am sorry for saying way to much. I really didn’t understand at first what openness in a relationship meant. I thought if I kept any fleeting thought or emotion to myself then it would put distance between us. I felt I was keeping a secret if I had even the most quick thought or feeling. This is something I’ve never done in any other relationship and know I can fix with more time. I know you think the damage is already done as far as this issue goes. I’ve said too much and now it will always be on our mind and creating insecurities for us. I really think that time and positive, love-giving interactions could heal this too.
It really is up to us to build something more beautiful and I know it can be done if both people want it enough. I want it more than anything and I hope you do to. All the people at your work telling you that if it’s like this now it will never change are really wrong in my opinion. Everything can change especially if there is enough desire. And also we both know that we are not like everyone else. We loved each other because we both recognized immediately that the other was special. If we are different than most other people then I don’t see why should try to make our relationship like everyone else’s. Are relationship began different than most and it can change too for the better unlike most.
Please remember the day we went hiking and you were so afraid I’d leave you and you’d never see me again. Well, you are making me feel that way now. But as we said we have to do what both of us wants. If we want to stay together we can do everything in our power to stay together and if we want to separate then we can do that then. I personally just don’t want to separate this early at all and I hope and pray you don’t want to either.
Please remember all the good things. Remember how similar our bodies looked, how much we loved each others smell, how we loved morning breathe kisses and the smell of our own farts. These are weird compatibilities that most people don’t have. Please remember how at one our souls felt before I pushed you away. Please believe that we can feel that way again because positive interactions will bring us closer together.
Please remember us riding bikes with you on the handle bars and how we can do that forever. Please remember the candles. Please remember the flowers. Please remember sleeping on the fairy to Capri. Please remember holding each other tight. Please remember laughing with one another and all the laughs we can share.
Please think of the future. We can make videos together of our travels. We can make money online. We both want similar things for the future and are smart and resourceful enough to make it happen! I know all of this! I know we are great for one another! Please just give me a final chance to heal the present so we can have hope for the future. Seriously only one more chance! Just let me come to st cyr please be open with me! I love you!
We could learn to salsa in Argentina.
Riding in our rental car in Rome listening to music singing and dancing.
Dancing in the bathroom in Naples.
I can get my own place in at cyr so she feels no pressure.