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Prayer to Begin Your Day?
Morning Question, What Good shall I do this Day?
What am I feeling today?
- I can get so sad some days.
- There is a lot that would make me feel a little though and I need to remember that.
- I drank a Redbull last night at like 10.
- I woke up today at 12:15.
- I am very behind in school and have only a little motivation to catch up.
- Need to finish ARTH project.
- Need to Finish PHIL paper (due in 2 hours)
- That wedding kind of put me into a somber and introspective mood.
- The wedding was beautiful. God, I want to meet my wife soon. I love the thought of of loving someone so deeply and feeling a completion of sorts in someone else that I find gorgeous. \
- Maybe that would help me get over my mother too.
- God, I really just want someone who find me interesting and beautiful. I want someone to desire that I unpack my heart for them with words so they can know every part of me. I am tired of feeling like I am just playing a character for everyone I love. I want someone who just loves me and want me and finds me special. Hopefully, I would feel the same exact way about her too.
- Also, right before the wedding the wedding I was talking about a deeper thought I have been having. I thought I would definitely have my Mom’s attention because it was a religious thought. Yet, even with its subject matter she drifted away and politely asked me to repeat, but it just completely through me off and hurt me and I couldn’t recover and I made the moment more awkward and dramatic than it needed to be. But I basically just wanted to roll into a ball and disappear and she wouldn’t let me and kept begging that I speak.
- Ultimately, I know the issue is that there is still a little boy in me who desperately wants his mother’s attention, but I’ve been struggling to get it. The struggle for it makes me have a few weird reactions such as shunning her to an extent, which is adverse to my deepest desire but it feels the most natural response.
- At the wedding, I felt the most comfortable being quiet and watching over the kids. I showed myself tonight that I really love kids. That it’s actually just an natural instinct for me. That I go to kids for comfort. They make me feel more secure, more at peace, more loved.
- This makes me think of how I really do feel that my greatest callings are to be an Educator and a Farmer. Maybe an Agricultural and Educational Reformer.
- I really want to make music too. I want to begin caring for guitar again.
- I’m proud of how I have been treating Latin. I want to up my game soon though If I can get up to two hours of solid study a day I think that would be perfect.
- What would that 2 hours look like?
- 30 min in morning with Legentibus
- 15 min reading Primus Annus
- 15 min recording it.
- 15 minutes of focused listening with no visual
- 15 minute reading CP (but then other non Legentibus material)
- Make flashcards from everything I’ve read that day on Anki 15 min
- Review flashcards. 15 min
Evening Question, What Good have I done to day?
- I came to the wedding. It was not easy for me but ultimately I did it for my Nanny. To me that shows me I can have good character and not be a flake. I want to have better character.
- I tried to be very nice and friendly and love everyone I had contact with. I hope it came across.
Prayer to End Your Day?
- God, help me to be better. Help me to do more. Help me to be more responsible.
- Help me to find love.
- Please, filter the chaff from my life. Filter me down until there is nothing left, if its all bad. But please do it only so that one day I can have fruit and plenty.
- What in me needs to go in my eyes?
- I don’t like how I don’t follow through on my responsibilities. My irresponsibility does hurt my self confidence and ultimately I think that it leads to me making bad decision sometimes.
- Talking to Trevor the other day he did say something that had an impact on me. He basically alluded to that I have so much self-conflict. If I could get myself out of my own way I could be deadly. I am going to practice that now. I am going to ignore all of my thoughts and feeling and just write this paper.