On February 22, 2024 from 01:44 to 04:22 I experienced a very profound Meditative state that allowed me to work through a lot of my internal issues by providing me with deep understanding. This felt like a blessing from God. It felt like he allowed me to enter into a privileged state of being. It was an experience of pure bodily sensation and deep meditation.
It all began because ever the beginning of this year I had ordered my New Life to begin. I had ordered my life to where I could begin doing only what I wanted to do, in the best sense of that phrase, not in a hedonic sense, but in a meaningful sense. My responsibilities had become learning film and learning Latin. It became my Duty to be a Self-Educator. This is what I had been working towards! Yet, I was putting old wine in a new wine skin (I know I’m changing the metaphor to fit my needs!). I had a new structure for my life, but I was putting my old Spirit and behaviors within it. I was so conflicted internally. I was self-destructive in the strongest sense of the word. I was at my wits end and I needed a deep spiritual and psychological shift. I needed to become internally ordered.
Because of this sense that I needed a New Spirit to fill the structure of a New Life, I began watching Jordan Thorton’s YouTube videos with more energy and focus. I wanted to learn something that I could apply to my life. I started by taking one of his book recommendations, The King, Warrior, Magician, and Lover. I had only read it one day, but I felt it helping to order my consciousness slightly. Then, that night I watched another of Jordan’s videos on Internal family systems, and I watched him do an exercise where he talked to his inner Teenager about his current destructive pattern of being so much on his phone. I decided I would give this method I saw a try.
I sat in my tub and began to pray. I asked God for guidance and protection. I was worried that Internal Family Systems was potentially a method of channeling negative entities, which I wanted to remain far away from. But I was desperate so the potential positive upside, much outweighed the potential negative downside to me. After praying I proceeded to set an intention as I had seen done in the video. My intention was “Why do I avoid my work? Why am I self-destructive? Why do I run from productivity and towards destruction? Why, even when I do productivity, do I still run from my actual most important tasks?” With this in mind I tried to relax myself. However, I felt to uncomfortable in the tub, I was still nervous, so I went go get in my bed. I kept soothing myself and furthering my depth of consciousness by continuing to pray and repeating my intention.
Soon after, an image crossed my mind. It didn’t feel as clear as I would have hoped, but it was a start so I honed in on that. It was an image of me smiling in my EDW basketball jumpsuit. This got my thoughts revolving around competition, ambition, the onset of puberty. I felt this was the last time I had Drive and I actually felt a fire in my belly.