July 20, 2024: I am beginning this note out of necessity. I have recently just entered my first romantic relationship. This is all I have wanted my entire life and I did my best to prepare for this moment, but no matter how much one prepares it cannot replace experiencing the real thing. I have become a bit discouraged because my many of responses to all the new experiences have been unhealthy. I am recognizing that I am far from being able to nourish my relationship. Last night in a very sad conversation with the love of my life, I recognized that had become my worst fear— I was the kind of person who could have something perfect and have so many issues that he could not keep it. I have been pushing away the best thing that has ever happened to me and I don’t want to do that anymore. I must begin taking personal inventory of all my faults and then working through them. I must begin finding where these issues have their root, understanding them, and looking for new healthy behaviors that I should begin defaulting to instead. God, please help me to begin and consistently apply myself to this work.
July 20, 2024: I am discouraged because I am acting badly in my first relationship. If I knew it wasn’t me causing all the issues then I wouldn’t be so eager to begin this work. But I know the issues lie within me, and so I want to begin fixing these issues so that I can build a thriving relationship with Alyssa Chiaradia. I love her with my whole heart and I have been pushing her away by bringing up her past, a lack of trust, constant needs for validation, and other unhealthy behaviors.