This video is about getting over her. If you make it about getting her back, then it has an insincere motive and won’t be as good. You are trying to cope with the loss, tell a good story, and explain what you learned. If it does win her back that is only an additional benefit. It just can’t be a desired outcome.

Make shorter and divide into chapters. Shoot entire things again with better structure and storytelling.

Thinking…

Talk about the beautiful moments:

meeting her at the restaurant
sleeping with her the first night on the beavh
walking her home
her losing her earings
finding her earing
kissing while we listened to music
being hungry and waiting for a bakery to open where we git crossants and pan du chcoalats
our conversation about reality being circles of truth and how the goal of life it to learn and expand ones unsersatnding of truth more and more..,
then kissing some more and going get and espresso where the converstaion got even better
The next day meeting her after work and getting sandwhiches that we ate on the beach then doing pullup and acrobatics outside at the park in st cyr. being athletic and playful and moving our bodies together.
Then gong to the beach and making love one more time. Then her falling asleep on me after and her hair covered my eyes and her breath was in sync with the ocean and I was view the stars and all the world through her.
Then we got cold and went for a walk to my place but it was locked and then hers,
we kissed along the way one some beautiful steps to the song woman by john Lennon.
Then we went go get blakets at her house and slept on the beach and ksised under this very colorful bllaknet.
We went back to her place dropped off the blanketd and I met her mother
then we rushed to my place and cleaned She was so helpful and caring.
Then i left an we kept teting each other. Read texts about how we both felt we loved each other already
Then I go bsck to st cyr because I couldnt bear not seeing her agin.
We meet up and i take her to work. After she finshes work we go to her grandfather’s where we make love in his garden
Then next moring we wake up and take a shower tiogether and I meet more of her fmily. they are amaing people.
At her lucnh break we go swimming in the oceana and we do breath holding competetions.
That night we make love twice on her grandfaters air matress it was amazing.
The next morning we wash dishes at her grandfathers together and we worked so well together.
After her grandmother gave her money and when I asked her why she told me it was because she bought her grandmother a bunch of creams for her face to be sweet to her and I thought this was so nice and I loved that she did that . It showed me how thoughtful and sweet she was cause she didn’t expect her grandmother to pay her back
Then he makes us bugers and lunch we eat that and have a beautiful time together
we are doing handstands outside and she loves that. Her grandfather can immediately see that I have good charachter and he likes my physique. He is very kind to me
The next day we go to the train staion before I left I talked to her brother and I really liked him I tjought he was super sweet and kind and I coulve seen myself being in his family . She was off work this day
We missing the train because we were kissing.
She told me to close my eyes and put flowers in my letter.
We had another day with each other and we went for a a hike
Then hike was so much fun . We kissed and danced and ran and talked
During this conversation she told me how much she really loved me and how she ws so afraid i didnt love her back . And How she wanted me forver and how she saw us being bvery happy with one another

At this pointy I didnt feel this way and it was way too soon for me, but hearing her say it I love it. And now I feel this way about her and she doesnt feel this way aouyt me, which is sad.

Then we went back and went back to get food, but before we did we went to her house As we waljked to her house we had my love song playlist playing on her speaker and we skipped through the town and kissed as we wanted. Pople were looking at us like we were crazy and we were but we had something they didnt and we didnt care what they thought, where we talked to her family a bit and we gather a backpack for candles and a bottle opened and money
, We got burgers from a great little restaurant and a bottle of wine.
We after at the burgers on the beach and they we so delicious.

Then, We went to this beach we liked and on our walk she called her dad course she wanted me to meet him and I too this as she was really already wanting to integrate me into her life which I did think was too soon but I liked it.

This is an example of how at the beginning I felt she was saying things to soon and too fast and putting too much pressure but I loved it so I was following her lead. But then once I thought our love was real I began being the one taking things too fast and serious and adding pressure

and lit the candles and drank the bottle of wine and it was the most fun and funjiest mst beaitifulnigt.
Because of the wine I couldnt keep my erection though and so eventually we just stopped and she slept on me some more. But it wasnt a big deal to her but it was to me. I wish I wouldnt have made this a big deal. On our walk home we had som much fun
We acted like monkeys which was the most beautiful moment of my life, we wresteled, danced, and had beaitiful converstaions. I walked barefoot the whole eway cause I had injured my foot when I was drunk on the beach and tripped on a rock it was hilarious. We talked about what our love lnguages were and we tried to guess each others. We had the same love lagnueage s in order and i was able to guess hers perfectly and she was wrng about one of mine because shedidnt think there was anyway we could have the same exact list
We went hime and she was very tired. But I initiated sex. This was my first big regret in the relationship. Thinking about this makes me sad. I should have just let her sleep. But I was insecure about not being able to stay hard and I felt slighted that I wouldnt get an orgassm on my last night with her maybe ever. So i kind of made sure we had sex even though I knew she was tired and it was the least perosnal and intimate sex we had and I felt bad after. I promised myself I wouldnt ever do that again.
On the train ride to bologna italy this time was wheN i began blowing up her phone with insecure and heavy questions. But that evening when I was telling my brother all of my dounts on the phone I began balling crying because I recognized that every moment we had shared together was the most beaitiful moment of my life and that we could keep creating moment like that with each other forever. This is when I knew I loved her and thi is exactly when my ability to keep creating these moments with her went down because I began getting out of the moment and into the future and the past and putting to much pressure on the present.
Then everything remained good although I was officially in love with her afterthis visit to st cyr and this is when all of my insecurities and doubts really began to set in.
She ame to itally with me for a week and seeing her at the airpot was the happiest moemnt ever for me. We rented a car and kissing her was perfect. It felt like I was home!
ON the car ride to our hot springs I am driving rally bad and I feel bad about it. But we are dancing and having such a great time with the windows down and my shirt off.
Then we stop at a cute little sandwhich shopp we see on the side of the street and kiss and eat good sandwhiches.
Then we went o hot srings and she was driving from there. We then stopped and pulled over and began kissing so much and it was great. Then we pulled over on the side of the road and made love She fell asleep on me again and I fell asleep too. When I woke up I got in the driver’s seat and drove us to the hot springs.
When we got there we talked for a long time in the car and I wanted to have sex again really bad. I wish I would have just had control over my desires though cause we drive around for thirty minutes looking for the place we could pull over again and we couldn’t find it. When we got back to the hot springs I wanted be there for a while since we drove all this way and we left there too late.
Because of this we missed a beautiful surprise and beautiful dinner that I had planned for us the day before.
This was also the beginning of me having big plans and then not living up to them. I wish I could have done better at this. I wish I could have been disciplined with time and made that romantic night happen .
In the hot springs and on our way home though the conversation was beginning to become very insecure which I am so upset about. We talked nothing but if her boyfriend and my insecurities on our drive back and it is a shame cause tht was the longest drive she ever did and it could and should have been a fun and happy experience.
One beautiful moment that happened this day though was after we got out of the hot springs we were freezing and running late so we ran to the car! The sun was setting while we ran and we were holding hands and the surrounding scenery was so beautiful! As we ran I just was trying to be present in the moment and recognize how beautiful a moment that was!
That night we had beautiful sex and then mikah went back to the place and we went eat out at a late night American restaurant in Rome. We ran into some people again that we had talked to earlier when we were looking for food. The girl told us that we were such a cute couple and I knew she was right!
Also we went read a letter I wrote her on a very picturesque set of steps with candles on them and kissed! It was so sweet!
The next day we were really tired and we had to wake up kind of early because we had to check out of our air bnb in Rome. Today I was really in my head and was not present with her at all my head was in a funk and I’m so upset about it! I should have been so happy this day. But I had put so much pressure on myself to try to see if she could be my wife instead of just enjoying her. And then that day she told me she had a dream last night where I was asking her to marry me with a huge frown on my face and with no enthusiasm. This scared me because that is exactly how I was feeling that day . That was my exact fear and I was scared that she picked up on it like that. But I was also impressed and proud because it showed me she had a very sensitive spirit to the things going on.
We ate pasta after and then she began showing me a bunch of pictures of her childhood after we ate gelato. I wish once again I would have been present! It’s the biggest regret of my life cause when I was focused on what she was saying I thought it was so cute and special and adorable and those are normally the conversations I live for with anyone else. And all the things she was showing me from her childhood. We so cute and special. She showed me some pictures of her camping trips and her Halloween costumes ,

She showed me a trip when they slaughtered the pig right in front of her and this is when I noticed I wasn’t fully present because it took me a while to respond to that and it was so interesting and I wish I could have savored that moment but I wasted it by being in my head!
She also showed me pictures of her with cups stacked super high. And I thought this was so beautiful and special because she such an active person! A real go getter always trying to make money in very creative ways and I really love this because I knew that was this kind of woman I would want to be with.
Another thing she showed me her was when she made a clown show with her brother and they dressed like clowns and sold tickets and made money. Another example to me of her resourcefulness and thrift! I was so proud of her after this.
I also loved seeing the pictures of her with those super tight braid or dreadlocks that she got on one trip she took with her mom! She was so embarrassed but I thought it was the cutest thing I had ever seen.

Then we went back to our car and we had a ticket I just through it away and I still haven’t been charged for that which is nice haha!
She drove is to the airport and she did such a great job driving through Rome. This is another moment where I realized how skilled and special she was. She really could just be independent and strong and an asset to my life and I loved this about her. I tried to tell her how much respected her and was proud of her after.
Then we get to our car rental place and I’m proud of myself here because I was strong enough to go talk to the people and get them to give us a ride to the airport as soon as possible so that we could make our train.
She laid on me as we drove there and I was just looking out the window with the hugest smile.
Then we get to the airport gather our bags fast and sprint to our train. I wanted to run to the train but didn’t push or ask for it! It was her idea and this was another moment where I was so proud and happy of her! I knew we were such a good team! We made it to the train perfectly on time.
While on the train we ate our left offer burgers from the night before and kissed an bunch it was so sweet. On the last train we caught we fell asleep.
We woke up and walked to our apartment in Naples.
We made love and went to sleep.
The next day we woke up and laid around for a long time before we got up to go to get pizza. We went to a place that her friend recommended and it was delicious! Her favorites was the margarita extra!
We walked around a bit afterwards and just explored Naples.
That night we got gelato and she drank this drink that exploded it was cool!
This day I remember being in my head too. She was there for me completely available and I didn’t know how to be there for her.
That night she fell asleep as soon as we got home
That night she fell asleep early and My parents called me they had FaceTimed me that morning and saw and met her for the first time. They thought she was so beautiful and sweet looking. They could tell I was in my head and basically told me to just try to enjoy the moment and get out of my head and that she was super special and I should recognize it.
From there on out I feel I was doing much a better at being present with her and I enjoyed he so much . She never showed me a bad quality. The only problem I think was that I wanted to make love to her so much and that I didn’t do a good enough job at it planning fun things for us to go do. And I’m retrospect think she would have really appreciated that.
The next day we stayed up late again and once mikah left we showered and danced a bunch together and then she made me dress up in her dress! It was really funny and sweet.
Afterwards we went go get pizza at a place and we were accidentally having a conversation that sounded really racist and I got embarrassed and we laughed so much about that afterwards.
Also while at this pizza restaurant we went upstairs and it had terrible lighting. I am really sensitive to lighting and really prefer warm lighting. I didn’t mention anything to her. And she began talking about how bad the lighting was. How it made her feel like she was in a hospital.

I loved hearing her say this so much because I have the same exact opinion and everyone I am ever around if I would ever say anything like that would find me crazy. That’s why I didn’t mention it at first. But she said it all by herself and that was beautiful to me.

The next day I believe we went to Sorrento. I woke up this morning with pink eye. This day I really, really fell in love with her much deeper.
When we got to Sorrento we didn’t have a plan at all. And me and my cousin and her friend were all looking for things to do. Alyssa very quickly found an amazing place! It was easily the best thing we could’ve done that day.

I seriously knew after she did this with so much ease that she would always be a great asset to my life.
Also while we walked to that place she picked she was just telling me her option on the architecture of Sorrento. She was commenting on how the street light and buildings there looked cheap and ugly! She was once again so right and said an opinion that I was thinking exactly.

Then at the place she jumped off a rock that I had jumped off too but that I was terrified to jump off of and she did it easily. I was really so proud of her and that was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen any woman do! I loved her so much after this.
The. We went swimming under this beautiful cave and and we kissed for a bit. When we were there though she accidentally stepped on a sea urchin. It poked her foot and it was really hard to get out. Even with that in her foot though she jumped of the rock that we were sitting on and did a beautiful dive where you tuck at the last second. I tried it too.
When we got back to land she was so tough as we tried to get the urchin out of her foot and an Italian paramedic took great care to get it out for her. I loved seeing how tough she was.
Then we went go lay on a rock. And she began opening up to me that she couldn’t trust me because I told her about how I watched porn and I told her what I looked at when she asked. I was trying to be honest and she answered all of my questions like this so I thought I should answer hers, but it really affected her mind and her intimacy with me just like her past affected me. We had a long conversation about this as we walked to go get fruit and sandwiches for everyone.
We ate the sandwiches on the rock and the fruit and that was so beautiful and so much fun.
Then we went kiss and do a little more in a nearby cave, which will always be one of the craziest memories of my life.
Then we swam very far to a rock and climbed it! This was the most fun day of my life I think that was so special to me I had always wanted an adventurous girl to do things like this with and for the first time in my life I had it! It makes me tear up as I write this.
On the rock we had such a beautiful and fun conversation! She loved hearing me talk about the craziest thoughts I had and she actually found them interesting and I loved that! And I loved hearing what she had to say too!

I still remember she kept her cherry seed from the fruit in her mouth the whole time and I thought that was so cute.

On our walk home she spoke to me in French and Spanish only for a bit and that was funny.
Then as we were walking back and finding hands at one point the place to walk became very narrow. And she jumped and walked on top of that as I stayed on the road and she held my hand. That was very adorable.
Also at one point we were both standing on that ledge right on side the road but above it and were kissing a bunch and people were honking there horns as they passed us by.
We also had another amazing conversation on our way to our train. We talked about the kind of lives we wanted to live. How we didn’t want to live like normal people following a path that is set and stone and does not need to be followed exactly. We talked about how we wanted to travel the world and make a living while doing it. We talked about how a lot of people travel these days and aren’t even appreciating the moments because they are on there phone trying to take a picture that everyone else has taken many times before. We were basically just talking about how there is a wide and an unwise way to do everything and that we wanted to live a unique life that was shaped by our own individuality where we did admirable things that we wanted to do in the proper way. And we did agree on what the proper way of doing things was.

We both thought very similar in many of ways like this. We both wanted to raise our kids outside of the school system but to homeschool and travel with them and camp with them and teach them real practical beautiful things.

Then as we walked to the train she reminded me to get my eyedrops which is just another example of how sweet and thoughtful she was.

While we were there we got lollipops. She got strawberry and I got vanilla. Hers was better than mine!
But mine was terrible because of my eye drop leaking into my mouth and we didn’t know that at the time which was funny!

She fell asleep on me on the train again and I held and supported her head as I listened to a podcast. She really appreciated this and i felt so proud and happy to be able to do it for her!

I loved so much the feeling of caring for her and taking care of her needs.
I wish I could have made her feel safe and loved more. Instead of bringing up her past and make her feel unworthy and not good enough. She was so much more than enough for me truly.

After this we went back to her place and then went eat at another of the Sorbillo family’s pizza restaurants. We went to the classier one this time. It was just me her and Mikah eating. We bought four pizzas for the table and it was so fun eating them together. Alyssa was tired this night but you could tell she was happy and enjoyed being around me.
We went home and woke up later again the next day.
This day we went go get pizza at another sorbillo restaurant. Some serbian couple sat next to us. They asked us what pizza we had after we had ordered a limoncello spritz and an aperol spritz after we we saw them order theirs.

We hated the taste of the drinks. It was so funny, but after we drank them we couldn’t stop kissing one another and that was so much fun.

Then we began looking for an affogato to drink. as we were walking there we put in her headphones and were listening to good music as we walked. This was really fun and we were kissing bunch.

On this walk we walked past the place where she buys her underwear from. She made an invite that we go shopping for her some new underwear. I didnt realize she meant then. I wish I would have taken thi sopportunity to do something that would make her life easier. Because she kept saying she needed to buy new underwear and how when shes back in St. Cyr she doesnt have any time because she has to go all way to Marseille to buy them. This is one of those small insignificant moments that will be beautiful and meaningful if you notice it and seize it. God if I ever get a chance to be with Alyssa again help me to capture these small moments to be with her and bond with her that will mean a lot and draw us closer together.

We went get our affogato and it wasn’t that good and it was overpriced.
We then went sit by some old men playing guitar and kissed for a bit.
Then, we went byy the water and talked and kissed.

Wee talked about how. we both wanted to travel to south america and live in a cheap place where we could pursue our dreams and live off of the american dollar or Euro and be rich there, but still live cheaply in order to have as much time as we need to create the life we want
We talked about the politics of Argentine and El Salvador and I was suprised that she agreed with me and it drew me closer to her.

After this conversation, I was being stupid and said we should try handstand sex and the guy sitting next to us heard and looked at us and we started laughing so hard and walked away as fast as possible.
We then went listen to some guy pying music on his saxophone.
We sat near the water and I laid on her lap and we talked. and she rubbed my head.
We then walked a very long way to this famous pizza restaurant. Our walk there was amazing. We talked about our worst fear and our worst habits and I got to know her so much better.

She told me how the thing she’s worst at is if she isnt good at something she doesnt like doing it and she just wants to give up.
I told her I could really relate to this and that the only way to become the kind is to first be the fool. and that being the fool just means being okay with filure and not letting it affect you. or you view of yourself.
Then we talked about our worst social quality and she said that hers was being shy, but how she’s done a great job of outgrowing that.
Then she opened up to me about her closest female friend from france and how she wishes their relationship was better.

Then we got to the restaurant and ate. We had a really fun time.
On our way back we had one of my favorite conversation ever. Alyssa was basically just full on convinicng me that I needed to get out of my head and enjoy the present and that I had everything I wanted right there in frint of me. ‘

She told me the cutuest little story that has stuck with me and that will always stick with me about how relationships are like eating a potato. ‘

You don’t decide before you take a bite whether or you’ll commit to eat the whole potato. You just start taking bites and experience the taste of the potato and before you know it you might have eaten the whole thing.
If I would have really taken this story to heart deeply I might not have lost her. She was basically telling me to stop being in the past, in the future, in my head putting so much pressure on the relationship, but to just be in the present moment with her day after day.
This was such a fun night and I loved her so much! the love was growing more and more.

That night once again she made me so proud and showed me that she was such a great asset, when she took the initiative and book the tickets to Capri.

In retrospect I should have helpoed her more, but this ois before I knew hr very well, and now I know that she’d much prefer to be doing something fun and adventurous that sitting still. But at the time I didnt want to her to get exhausted so I thought if she took the lead on that then I’d know she really wanted to do that

Now I know more too that she would’ve liked me to take more initiative and lead the way a bit more and take us to do fun things. I have that element to my personality and I just wish I would have shown it to her more.

We had to rush to our boat for Capri and this also drew me so close to Alyssa because we were running there and she was cool and level headed and we were acting like such a good team and the energy was positive and happy and we were determined to make that boat.
Then, she did something so impressive to me and pulled out her phone and rented a boke for us and she jumpoed on the back and we were racing through the streets of Naples, with her directing me with her phone as she squeezed me tight. It was so sweet and fun and I was so proud of how we worked together and I loved her so much.
the trip to Capri was sweet, but very ecxpensive and a little chaotic. It was not the day that she had dreamed for and that made me sad.
But on our way to Capri we fall asleep on the boat and miss our stop. This was really unfortunate cause it cost us a lot of time and we didnt have much time at capri cuase we had to catch the last boat back at like 8 or 7.

Even though this was really unfortunate it was one of my favorite memories with her just sleeping on the boat seats together so close and tight, And then waking up and having made a huge mistake, but both of us not letting it ruin the day. And we did do a good job of enjoying the boat ride. She took some really funny and cute videos on my phone.

Then once we finally got to Capri we rented a vespa.
I didnt do the best job of driving it and this was another of my huge regrets. ‘
This day we fell twice off the scoter. Thanks be to Gid neither of us were hurt, but I really scared Alyssa. And it was so sad for me to see her lose trust in me. And I didnt deserve her trust after I was driving so bad. And these two falls and not being able to find the beach we wanted to find. Really put a damper on the day for her. This made me sad. We also went to a way to expensive (although beaitiful) and barely got any food to eat. This made us sad too.
If I could do this whole day again my main priority would be to make alyssa feel safer. I was being a bit reckless as I drove and it scared her. She wouldve like it way more if I went slower and took safer turns. I was trying to make it fun but going faster and having a good time, but when I look back this wasnt making it more fun but more scary and I just wish I would have been a wiser man then and put her comfort first and tried my best to make her feel afe and comforatble.
When we got back to the port we ate and got some beers. We both werent in the best moods but were trying to feel better.
It was our last day together and every time we had to leave one another we would both begin to feel plenty of insecurities and doubts. because we weren’t sure we’d ever see the perosn again, and we didn’t trust that the love would last but we both wanted it to so bad.
On our way back, from the boat we talked and kissed a lot and she was really sad. She didn’t think she could trust me and there was nothing I could really say or do to show her that she could.
At one point she had to pee, and so we climbed behind this ledge just next to the sidewalk and I covered her with our towel. I thought this was so funny and sweet. I don’t know any girl’s who’d ever do this, but its something that I think my mother would do, and I loved so much how little was gross or weird to her and I loved how little she cared about everyone else’s opinion.

The was an african man that passed as i was standing over her covering her with a towel and he thought she was giving me head and he wouldn’t stop jumping around laughing super hard and screaming out blessings over me. It was funny!

Then we went back to the first Sorbillo restaurant that we went to and got one margarita extra each since that was Alyssa’s favorite. We had a good time, but we still both weren’t able to feel happy or at peace.
That night when we went straight to bed. I was feeling so many complex emotion. It was hard to cuddle with Alyssa this night even though it’s what I wanted more than anything because it just felt like the end to me.
The next morning we get up and immediately start racing to get her to the airport.
This was another one of those beautiful moments, where we just execute and work like a team very well! I loved doing stuff like this with her. At the beginning we ran to the first bike we could find and then set her up as comfortably as we could on the back. Then that bike had a flat tire so we got a new one as fast as we could and from there we rose all the way to the airport.
When we split ways we both cried.
Then we had a while before I’d see her again. And while I was away this time I said again because I was starting to doubt again that I didn’t know if I wanted to be with just one woman right now.

This really hurt her feeling and put distance between us and it made her trust go down for me again.
The thing is it’s so stupid because I was just saying that cause I thought that was was openness and honesty in a relationship meant. But now I realize you shouldn’t say your every passing thought. Because literally hours later I didn’t even feel that way anymore. And I also see telling people things as a way to help me get over them, but I should have told my friends or anyone else not her. I need to learn how to regulate my own feelings and not need other people to tell me they are normal or stupid and that I should focus on what I really want and not pay attention to a passing feeling.
Another thing is I worry if this was just a ploy to get to talk with her more that night, or if I wanted her to feel insecure in the relationship so that she would try harder to please me. These may have been subconsciously motivating me to say such stupid things and I hate myself for it. In my next chance at a relationship I will still never ever lie, but I will truly never say my every passing thought. Even though your in a relationship there needs to be some privacy between what’s in your head and what you tell you partner. But I’ll learn this lesson more and more so …

We did have a lot of good conversations during this time too though. We talked about taking a road trip to Argentine together, she would tell me about her face routine, we talked about how much we missed one another, I should have just let her go to bed earlier every night. ANd i shouldn’t have been putting so much pressure on myselkf to always say something so interesting because it always either left me feeling I had nothing to say or when I did it was always something outrageous and that I maybe shouldn’t have said. That’s is something I learned when your in a healthy relationship, ust spending good time with one another is all the other partner wants. You dont have to be saying something revolutionary all the time. If you feel that pressure it wil lead you to say extreme things sometimes, overexaggerate or start a conflict about something that isnt even a problem because these things get the strongest emotional reaction out of people. You shouldn’t gauge the success of a conversation off how intense the emotions or the engagement was per se. You should just gaguge it off if you got a bit closer and had a pleasant time.
Before I went to meet my family in Croatia I spent my last two nights with Alyssa in St. Cyr. The second I get there the place is vibrating with the sound of cicadas. I am so happy and excited to get to see her. I’m walking around town looking for her grandfather’s place. I am picking flowers as I walk to make a bouquet foir her and I go buy candles to set up on the floor of the bed room.
But I sadly walked around for like two hours and never found her grandfather’s place. I was literarlly right by it. I kept walking aroun it, but never recognized it once I was there.
Eventually, I just ended up walking to the restaurant she was working at. It was there when I finally got to see her. The smile she had when she saw me made me so happy and it was the first time I had ever seen anyone look at me like that it made me so happy.
HEr family and friend were ther etoo and this night at her restaurant there was a a big dance party. I wish I could have danced with her.
I tried helping her with her work as much as I could and I was spending time with her family. They were only talkking in french though and so I didnt know hat to do and I was worried of appearing boring to her so I began walking around looking for things to do. Immediately I saw some girls playing the game with the cards you put on your head and you flip up and down. I thought they were speaking english so I went up to them and asked if they were playing in english. They said no buyt immediately invited me to sit down and began playing in english.

I immediately knew I shouldnt be here. I knew I needed to leave. But i didnt want to look weird to these girls so I sat and played.
A few minutes later alyssa comes to me looking very upset and I feel horrible. I try to kiss her and she wont acceot.
The whole summer her co workers kept trying to tell her she was crazy for liking me so much that she coulnt trust me and she always said she belived me over them. But this action they saw and now she had no defenses against whhat they said. I proved them right. From here on out she was never able to trust me the same again. and not to mention I really embarrased her in front of them. I feel so horrible.

That night on our way back to her place we do acrobatics in the street with her family and friends.
then we begin walking back to her place and we rstart talking about what happened at the restaurant. She forgives me and we bgein riding her one wheel and we race and we go play and wrestle on this soccer field and we try to kis ehile doing headstands! It was really so much fun! I loved playing with her so much.
Then we go back to her place and we begin kissing. And as I am kissing her she falls asleep. This really hurt my feeling and confirmed my worst fear that she didnt have any desire for me.

In retrospect I shouldnt have put so much pressure on this and I wish I wouldnt have then. I wish I would have just put it in perspective, I wish I would have noticed it was 5 am I wish I would have noticed she had worked so hard all day and that I had been keeping her up on the phone everynight. But at this point I was very selfish still and only saw a relationship as a way of filling my emotions=al need and wants. I got in my head and didnt control my thoughts. I kept thinking negative. Because I wanted to shower with her that night and stuff and I had lit candles and everything. Because I felt so rejected by her I couldnt sleep. and everytime I’d start to fall asleep her snoring would wak em e up.

I normally thought her snoring was adorable but this night I felt hurt and so i didnt like it. I was being so silly and childish.

Evnentually when the sun rose I went outside and I fell alseep on a ciot in her gradfather’s yard.
When she woke up her feelings were hurt that I left her. And she felt really bad. I wished I wouldnt have made her feel bad abaout it. I wish I wouldnt have pouted. When She woke me up I was no longer mad at all and I didnt make her feel bad but the fact that I left her made her feel bad enough and know she did something wrong in my eyes.
I wish I wouldnthave been laying such silly games but would have just loved her unconditionally.
It’s so easy now that everyting is over to see so clearly and put space between myself and my emotions. But when I was in it. Living out my first relationship ever, I didnt have to tools to work through what I was feeling as it was happening. I think I would be able to do it now because I had develioped those skills throughout my life, but I had just never felt feeling as strong as I was in a relationship and that difference made me not good enough yet to regulate myself and still do the right things even though I didnt feel I wanted to.
And that would be what I’d say ruined this relationship. I didnt show her enough my higher self the virtous side of myself that people love and who I am most often. I showed her the immature and childish part of myslef who says whatver he feels and wants wht he wants and pouts when he doesnt get his way or when something that was said hurts his feelings.

This last weekend did have some beautiful moments but it also had a lot of bad . And I think this contributed greatly to the end of the relationship. Because even when we were together it wasn’t positive and fun enough so why would she want to stay.
I guess because she fell asleep while we kissed and I took that personally at every mention of her past boyfriend I began to get sad and she could see. And I hated it I wished I could just control myself.
I told her something on this day to about her body that hurt her feelings and I wish I could take it back. What I commented on too I didn’t even think was ugly. I really think she had the most perfect and beautiful body and I never found a fault with it. But what I said even though I didn’t think it was an insult was not a compliment and I wish so much I could take it back.
One beautiful moment we did have this day though was we went paddle boarding.
This may be the most beautiful moment of my life.
I had to ride a bike while she stayed in the back of her friends van holding the paddle board! She looked so adorable.
Sadly when we get in the water I dare her to go touch the bottom and the pressure hurts her ears worse and differently than it ever had before. But she was so tough and just pushed through and didn’t complain. I felt bad for her though.
We have fun conversation as we go to where we are going, but at one point again I get jealous cause of something she said. And it wasn’t even bad . But I shut down and she can see it.

This became a huge problem to. The fact that I kept getting my feelings hurt so much and so easily. It made our silent moments insecure. Anytime someone wasn’t talking the other became insecure and asked. What are you thinking.
At first this was cute but became tiring for each of us.
If only I could’ve controlled my emotions better and wasn’t being so fragile.
Romantic love had really just brought out feeling in me that I had never felt before and I didn’t know how to process them yet. I think I could do it now because not being in the relationship anymore has given me time to analyze each of those feelings and see why it shouldn’t affect me so bad and now I know I’ll be able to put emotional distance between me and my feelings like I do in every other kind of relationship.

But eventually we paddle to this beautiful place and are looking for a place to set up the slackline.
We couldn’t find a place to slackline sadly … that’s something that makes me so sad too. She and I never got to slackline.

We definitely would’ve had enough time to this day but I wanted to lay around with her and make love many times all day.
This wasn’t attractive because it made her feel I think that I was boring and only wanted her for her body.
I wish I would have just done more things with her cause every time we were doing stuff together we were both having so much fun and those were always the most beautiful memories.
She is also an active adventurous girl who doesn’t want to be sitting around doing nothing. This is something I really admire about her and it’s something I’m good at but not great at, so I loved it about her wish I would’ve grown faster and noticed sooner. It was just because sex was still so new to me all I wanted to do when I was with her was that. God forgive me and help me change.

But while looking for the slackline spot we began kissing and made love for the last time as the sun set over the water.
It was a beautiful moment.
Then we walked back to our paddle board in the dark kissing and listening to music.
As we paddle boarded back, the music was perfect and the moon over the water was the most beautiful thing. Alyssa was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen this night. While I rested my face on her neck I began she’d tears because of the beauty of this moment.
I was truly feeling the strongest and most intense things I had ever felt.

Being completely caught in the moment here I said something very dumb.
We had talked about it before so it wasn’t super crazy, but I said Alyssa we just need to get married!
Then we began talking about dates and one that we had already talked about was 11/11 because that was a special number to me and her because of the screen shot on the first night, but because we had already talked about it I knew that was the day after her and her old boyfriend’s anniversary.
So on this night I said 1/11 and she tells me it’s his birthday. I don’t get mad but immediately emotionally distance myself and get in my head and I couldn’t look her in the eyes anymore.
At the time I thought she ruined the moment because of having a past. But now I see I ruined the moment by not controlling myself. I could’ve just laughed like I would normally do in any other situation. But I ruined a beautiful moment by pouting like a baby.

We get back to shore and bring the board to her mothers house.
We wake her mom up so we go in and talk and eat a bit.

It was fun I always enjoyed talking to her mom

We leave on bikes and on our way home we go to the skate park and ride around for a bit! It was Alyssa’s idea and it was the last fun cute athletic moment we had with one another. I wish there would’ve been so many more.
That night we go to bed happy and we cuddle super tight and it wa s the best nights sleep of my life. I still woke up tired but I was so happy and felt so at home and comfortable with her.
We woke up the next morning and showered .
She was running late for work so she left in a hurry. When she was finally leaving she came to tell me bye. I was so happy and just washing my face with my eyes closed.
When she said bye she scared me and I jumped!

She always thought it was I funny how easily I’d get scared !
Especially this one night in Rome when I car simply just parked next to us as we walked home and I got so worried thinking they’d jump out and take us.

I kissed her bye ! And it was the first time we said bye without any insecurities. It was the first time we were actually secure in the fact we’d see each other again and be with each other for longer.
It crazy now to think it was probably the last time I’ll ever see her! The one time I thought I’d see her again!
Two nights later is the beginning of the end. I’m back with my family and missing and I guess from all the jealousy and insecurities I was feeling from the last time I was with her. And all the strong emotions from loving her more and more and all the distance and not getting to be close with her.
I began commenting on her past and asking questions about her past each night. And keeping her up way to late and having more questions the during her breaks
I really was just becoming so needy and possessive and jealous . I wish so much now I would have just changed. Cause I was already beginning to notice all the problems. I’m not stupid . But my feeling were so strong and I felt I had to say anything and every feeling I was having or it would inhibit our intimacy. I genuinely thought at the time that I had to say everything and then if we could just get to the end of that endless list of questions then all that would be behind us and we could build from there.
This was actually very unwise thinking, but at the time I thought I was being more wise than most people who’d ignore those thoughts and feeling and then they’d come back to haunt them later. After this experience I think repression is such a dangerous idea . Psychology had me so scared of repressing my thoughts , feeling and desires that i gave power to them and let them run the show. And now I see that that is exactly what a child does to. Let’s his thoughts feelings and desires run the show. Repression I now think is one of the stupidest and most dangerous ideas and that it was just a creative way for smart people to justify doing dumb things. A dumb way to justify doing whatever they want without thinking of others and being virtuous for doing so.
Even amongst all this we still did have some good conversations.
She showed me her tik toks and she actually has a pretty big following. She had some that we hilarious and some where she danced so good.

This was when I knew I was really making mistake but trying to force my partner to be the girl I had always dreamed of . This is when I realized that I can’t imagine anything as beautiful as real individual person before I met Alyssa I would have claimed I would never date a girl who did tik tik. But seeing her dance and seeing her comedy videos I was so proud.

I loved seeing that she was creative and motivated.
I lived thinking that we could help each other creatively throughout our lives. Making videos together blogging our travels.
I lived swing that even though she had tik tok she wasn’t like every Tim Tom girl . Her brain wasn’t gone. She was still super smart and a beautiful individual.
I wanted to be there for her an support her. I’m nice she got over 10k followers on tik Tok she could begin making 1 minute videos and have the possibility of making money with them. She still had never made one cause she felt she had no good ideas ! I wanted to encourage her and help her in any way I could.

We did have a great conversation about how we wanted to be creative after this.
But once again we should have hung up there but we started talking about something heavy deep and insecure and we stayed up very late again.
Every conversation finished on a bad note . And she would just be more tired and exhausted the next days and with the whole pattern. I wish I could take this back and change this and just be myself around her again talking about the things I cared about and hearing what she cared about.
Anytime we d both just talk openly we’d always leave those conversations saying wow I love the way you think and I love how you are, but I let my insecurities get in the way of creating more moments like this.
And if I’m a relationship you aren’t creating positive memories and experiences that bring you closer together. It’s bound to end even if f the love was very very deep.
The day before everything officially began she saw her ex-boyfriend for the first time since they broke up and that night I was preobaly the most mean and disrespectful I had ever been.
I ws always being neddy and possessive and jealous, but I was never mean cause I’m really just not that mean. But this night I said some hurtful things in a tone that wasnt caring at all.

She then claime dthat she thinks all of our problems are big and tht I was trying to punish her. I think she was right. And I am so sorry for that.

The next day she told me she wsnt coming to athens and broke up with me. She claimed we were just taking a break and she didnt want to give me false hope shje claimed it be the bst thing for our relationship. So with all that language I kind of belived it actually might be a break but she has said a word to me since and that night based off of everything she was saying I can tell she was really just wanting to break up with me and may have not been strong enough to do it out right at the time.
Becuase she hasnt talked to me sense and was saying things that really just seemed like she was looking for any reason to leave. The thing that hurt me most was that even if we began having good moments together again she would never be ablke to forget that we had bad ones. They will always be on her mind nd she’ll never be able to love me the same.
Even with all of the pain this ahs cause me though I still respect her even more for a lot of reasons. She did stop telling me she loved me the second she started having doubts, which I think is admirable because she wasnt leading me on.
Also i really respect her becayudse the fact tht she left me so fast once I was begining to not be a great partner showed me she has a lot of self respect and self control and that she is not going to tolerate misbrehavior from a partner and be in an unhealthy relationship.
What did hurt though is that she was able to leave our love so fast. It was so easy for her which maybe means it was never that deep in the first place. Maybe i was like I had feared just a rebound for her after breaking up with her old boyfriend. Maybe I was for her just a fun new plan that gave her hope after she had just dropped out of college and didnt know what she ws going to do with her life.
But even if all that is true. i think the love that we shared was very real and if I would have just reated her better and lived more in the present that it maybe could have just satyed good forever. Me trying to force an outcome and force her to be my ideal woman put way to much pressure on it and killed the love, but if I would have nurutured the love and let it grow it think it maybe could have lasted.
Maybe when she saw her boyfriend she realized that she still loved him and there would be nothing I could do. If this is the case I am honestly really happy for her and hik and I am not just saying that. If her experience with me showed her how good it was with him and how she really felt about him then I would feel thankful and know that it was all apart of their plan to meet her soul mate and that eventually I will meet mine and she was a part of my plan to learn all the lesson I needed to learn to step into my next relationship trying to simply take bites out of the potato i front of me. not putting any pressure on it to be a different vegetabel., just enjoying it bite after bite in the moment. To teach me that a relationship just needs to be secure and that security is buil through good and positive interactions with one another and not trhough sayong everything on your mind. To teach me that a realtionship wont fill me and that I should expect my parnter to coplete me and fix all of my problems that it is my job to fill my cup and that if I do that and become confident and proiud of myself and secure in myself within the relationship that all the pressure and jealousy will leave.
MAybe seeing her boyfriedn reminded her how much she feared being trapped and wanted her independence. And this might have woke her up to the reality that oyur current circumstances werent good and thatt they would like;y only get worse. In this way I respect her too, I in the past have stopped talking to many people when they showed me stuff in the begining that i didnt think would age well. I think she honeslty was acting wisely here and I have dont the same in the pst. I even told her this. i told her that if I was in her shoes knowing how I see things I would have looked at my behaviour and no longer saw myself as worthy of the investment of oe and left. She took this to heart and used these words against me ahah. Now I see that I may need to change this about myself. Maybe I have not given chances to people in the past who I really could have been happy with because they showed me a bad quality and I being self-protective didnt want to get hurt in the future and get more invested so I cut them off too soon and we could hve had a good time together for longer if I would have just given them them the chance.
Not wanting to feel trapped she probaly realized how young she was and how many more potential fiutures and adventures she could have and then the thought of moving o america with me and getting married started to soud terrifying and scary. Once again something I totally understand. And seeing how fst our relationship went south I now see that if we eever were to get back togethe ro if I will get with anyone in the futrue I cant trust only how I feel about them. A few weeks into a relationship is wayy to soon to be tlaking of marriage and a life together. It complet;y cuts off a very enjoyable part of the rewaltiosnip which is the getting to know you flirty and fun part. I wish so much that me and alysasa would have has more time to just be friends and build that sweet playful part of our relationship without all the pressure of a future together and seeing if we would be together forever. Either way though another thing Id say to this is she is right she is young and there are tons of adventures a head of her, but the fact of the matter is we taklked about a lot f great things we wanted to do with one another in the future. VEry cool and fun things like traveling in a van to argentine, learning salsa while there, building online companies, going on beaches and selling bracelets she made, traveling the world and living for places three months at a time. These are things I would rather do with someone than a lone and I think doing them with omeone would actually may=ke the adventure more beautiful. Either way, I know I am still young too and that there are so many amazing adventure I cfan have alone as well. All I am saying is that There is something to be said for doing great adventures with someone you love and building thinsg together rather than alone.
Maybe she met someone knew and is just the kind of person who follows nothing but her feelings and her feelings change very quickly. If this is the case this one would probably hurt me the most because it would show me a bunch of things about her and her charachter that I truly did nit think wwould be true about her. But even if this is the case i just wish she would have told me rather than telling me we were just taking a break and then never talking to me again.
maybe she does just need to actually take time to herself and she will grow and beocme more mature and one day our paths will cross again and we will both be better and more ready to enter into relationship with one anaother. At this point I dont know anything
After accepting that is was over between she and I it was really hard because I really had put her at the center of my world and stopped tryng in every other area of life , hich put way too much pressure on her for sure, because for so long

Want to play section from James Hollis.’s lectures A Life of Meaning: Exploring Our Deepest Questions and Motivations. about projection. It was very insightful when I heard it and clearly explained how I was expecting a partner to fix problems that were only mine to fix.
Seinfeld episodes quote that the best revenge is to live a great life.
I want to include everything I learned from Good Will Hunting.
Rick Rubin. quote on Tetragrammaton that forcing your meaning onto your art is a limitation. I tried to force her to be what I wanted and that was a huge limitation. Anytime I just let her be exactly herself that’s when I found her most beautiful and that’s when I felt closest to her.
I made a relationship my god. All the problems this led to. It would fix me.
God, Uncertainty, Insecurity, Honesty, Pressure, Present, Past, Sex, Distance
Past, Present, Future, Internal, External
I want to talk about not forcing your partner to be exactly as you are, but accept her for how she is.
How I wish she would just let me back in. She’s too afraid to cause she doesnt want to live on hope. She is uncomforatable with uncertainty just as I was.
How us being apart and having sex on the first night led to a faster pace and a high pressure because we were both worried about getting invested and getting hurt.
How insecurity makes you show the worst of yourself. How confidence allows you to let who you really are come through.
How I was needy and possevive and needed to spend so much time with her because I felt she completed me. This led to me keeping her up all night and if we would be able tio hang up I’d say my worst thought to keep us on the phone longer just so I could talk to her more. I wasnt doing this consciously but in retrospect I think this was exaclty what was happening.
How you need to build a friendship more than anything, how that will build the love the most and garentee the future the most too, just enjoying each other in the present.
How I was critical of her because I thought she would cure all of my problems, then when she didn’t I thought it was because she wasnt perfect enough and I’d criticize her.
Putting on the pressure to get married was a false security. I wanted to guareentee her as mine for ever. I wanted her to love me forever. I was so afraid she wouldn’t or couldnt so I focused on her past and also brought up marriage way to early. This was immature. The best way to guarentee tomorrow with one you love is by being your best self in the present with her.
Another thing that ruined the present was the pressure I put on her to be exactly what I wanted. This killed the present. And if she wasnt that I would get in my head and leave the present.
I was ruining the present by being in my head way too much. If I would have jus been present with her I would have learned more about her and guarenteed the futire better. Become comforatabke with uncertainty and trust yourself that you will cut things off when they become unhealthy. Dont try to be looking so far in advance.
Think about the other more than yourself, and dont make the relationship all about meeting your needs. That was a hugley terrible pressure that I put on this relationship. If I would have been thinking of her more it would have been better. I would have never kept bringing up the past and trying to make her feel bad for it. Treat others as you would like to be treated.
Focus on the good, and just be aware of the bad. Don’t be naive and dont turn a blind eye, but dont create issues that arent actually there.
Talk about how compatible we are. Talk about the beautiful future I know we could have built.
Talk about how there is much adventure and fun that can be had in yoiuth but how it may be better to have and build all of those great adventures with another person.
Talk about how this break up has shown me how much I lean on my faith. How that was really one of the only things we werent compatible on and how it made a lot of the problems. but talk about how she was open to talking about it all and was very interested it seemed and ho that was really enough to build with once again I shouldnt have been trying to fit her into a box of my own design. I should have let her just be herself. Once again that is just fear of uncerytainty. I was afraid of buiklding a life with her and coiming to a place where we greatly disagreed and would not be able to work it ouyt together, but once again if you jut treat each other with love and respect and enjoy the present then that’s the only way to guarentee the futiure.
Talk about how me thinking she didnt have as much desire as me added a pressure, and kind of put her in a prison where she felt she needed to prove she did have desire for me.
Talk about me just having sex for the first time made me only want to have sex with her which made me very lazy with her and only want. to lie around all day. This is a huge regret of mine because all of my favoriite emmemories with her where not the sex but were when we were out diing adventurous things. And the sex just served as a good cherry on top.
Once again I just wish we had more time together cause I think this issue would be fixed if we did. We coukd do more fun things and I wouldnt feel that I needed to have as much sex as I could with her beofre she left me or I left her.
My favorite memories are us on bike or paddle boarding or walking and holding hands and eating.
I wish i would have been more active and goal oriented. My desire to just be with her and always have sex to her made me miss out and sabotage a lot of my own romatic plans and adventures.
Romantic relationships are not that much different than friendships, the only difference is you can have sex with them, but sex should never become the center of the union, it must be the friendship
The shame is that i know with a secxond chance the friendship could have really blossomed.
Things changed after she saw her boyfriend again… maybe it’s because she realized she loved him. Maybe it’s because she realized that she didn’t want to feel trapped. I understand but what if being together offers a better adventure. She’s already proved she can easily cut things off when they get unhealthy so I wish she’d trust herself and give me a chance cause we have the whole world to gain if things go better. And we only lose a little more time if they go poorly, but the split will be easier then because we’ll have more evidence and less uncertainty that we are making the right decision for ourselves
Dont try to make yourslef right. thought there was no way she could have loved me as strongly or as deeply as she claimed she did. So i kept questioning and doubting her love rather than just nurturing it. But if I would have just nurtured it, even if it wasnt as strong as I thought, it might have just grown and continued to grow. By being insecure about it and doubting it I began to kill it and never gave it the chnace to grow.
All the problems that came about because of the distance, and how i wish I could just fix them by coming to St. Cyr for all of August.
All the things I love about her and all the way in which I knew we were perfect for each other, even still always looking for if what w=she was telling me was good for compatibility and the future took me out of the present and added pressure. often she would do something perfect and instead of just being happy wih her and interacting I’d take myslef out of the moment and just begin telling her how perect she was for me because she did that thing. If I relly had one more chance I would just want to nurture the friendship.
Despite all these errors I know for a fact I showed her the worst I’d ever be in a relationship and I also know that because of my insecurity I told the worst thinsg about me. She couldt tolerate them because she thought if they were happening at the beginning theyd never change. and that things will only get worse and worse from here. I think in most cases this would be true. I have ended things with girls in the past because of that same exact thinking and I told her I would have ended things long ago with me if I put myself in her shoes and analyzed my behaviour. But truthfully I know myself, and I know I was just acting so uncharacteristacally because this was all so knew to me and it was my genuine worst fear to have something thi good and lose it. Also, I had never had anything this perfect and so I made it everything to me which made me needy and possesive rather than just continuing to be myself and be in pursuit of thingsi in my own llife. That being said I know if there would be a second chance the worst would be behind us. Also because I had my misconceptions about openess and honestly being the most important and main things I told her the worst things about myself and there is literarlly nothing else I can say to scare her off. If she would give me one more chance, if we could put all that behind us I really think from here on out we can build a great relationship, just beuilding something great fun beautiful and playful together rather than focusing on all the bad things. We told each other every bad thing about ourselves and for a long time we still felt we were perfect for each other and were very compatoible and could build a beautiful relationship that could be at the height of human joy. I still think what we felt was true if only we could get together and begin having good moments with each other again.
I was stupid for telling her my every pasing thought, I though intimacy meant shaing every single thought I had, I thought it meant letting her know my every thought. THis was stupid. and often things I said stopped the intimacy. I told her things like I was worried of committing to her because since I had just had sex for the first time in my life doing it with her made me only want to do it with more people. At the time this felt true although not super strongly and i think it would be normal for any man to go through. But because I told her it put distance and insecurity between us, when I thought it would help if I told caue shed be able to trust me that Id tell her my worst thought. Maybe to though my subconcious desires were worse and just wanted to make her jealous and insecure and know that I was dangerous so that she would be more under my control. This pains me to say out loud. I know that wasnt what I was consciously doing at the time but in retrospect I cant help but see how all of my insecurity led me to do and say things that tried to control her more and more her more trying to keep me. But once again this was completely counter to what i actually wanted and only put immense distance between she and I and because she was healthy and had self respect once she noticed these unhealthy behaviors she made up her mind to leave that were strianing the relationship she decided to leave. Which I genuinely respect.
Even the deepest love can’t hold together a relationship that isnt being built with kind and beautiful experiences. if every encounter is a negtive or heavy one it will push away even the strongest of feelings. She said she would just go to work and feel bad all day about us. She lost hope and she thought it would always be like this and I understand why. In order to stop feeling pain she felt it easier to just cut me from her life so she could stop thinking about me and all the things that hurt her. And I cant blame her. She just wants to be happy and I was making thinsg to pressured when we should have just been building a fun loving relationship. I wish I could do iy over again and just be myself and provide value to her each day by having fun and making her feel good abaout herself and just showing her I live her in healthy ways rather than letting my love become pererted and make me only needy and possessive and worrisome.
Because of the example of my parents marriage and because I was so preoccupied with the relationship and allowed it to become the only thing in my life and all that I thought about I had nothing to offer when we did get together except for emotionally heavy and boring conversations about the relationship. i just wish we could get together agian and I could spend time with her and just show her more of myself rather than always talking if the relationhip and making it so important deep and heavy when it wasnt. it was way too early to be all of thiose thinsg.
The best revenge is to live a great life. I am not trying to get revenge but I know all the beautiful things I wanted to do with her I will still get to do either alone, with some one else, or maybe even still with her. I am learning all i need to learn. I will keep being introspective and keep doing all the work I need to do in order to make myself ready for the next girl. Obviously at this point I still want the nextgirl to be her with a second chance, but Im at complete peace if if someone completely new and trust that the girl I end up will be even better than what i have just experienced if I have already been with alyssa I from her on out will tolerate nothing less. I wish she would give me one more chance though because I know my charachter and I know what I offer and how great it can be with me, and I know she saw the potential there to, and I would hate for her to give up on us for good and miss out on the opportunity of having what we both at one point thought we could had. At one point we really felt deeply that we were each others dream and could be that for as long as we liked. I ruined that though by not being myself. And she is too afraid now to live on insecurity and so she is closing her self off in order to not get hurt again in the future, but I know how much introspection I have done and I know the next time I am in a relationship I will have so much more knowledge and skills on how to be and act within a relationship. All this chage has occurred in me as a result of her leaving me and so the next girl will be able to benefit from all of this and to me it would suck for her to not give it ione more go when there is the whole world to gain, and only the loss of a little more time and a little more pain if she gives it aanothe chnce and it still isnt what she wants it to be.
I think her immaturity is in the fact that she thinks because tings were became bad and she lost her feelings for me shell never again be able to feel the way she did aboout me and that the negative things will always be on her mind. I believ he rthat she will maybe never forget, but I know for a fact that they wont be what she focuses on if she d just give me time to build the relationship with her again. I think she knows this too but maybe had just already made up her mind that she wanted to break up and was just going to say what ever she needed to say to have a reason. because at the end of the day I know of many couples who have worked through so much worse than we would have to. Especially because I really dont have to change myself, I just have to get my insecurities out oif the way and allow my true self to come through like I do in every other relationship of my life. She thought because I began readng a book to try to fix the issues I was creating in the relationship that relationships were unnatural to me and she didnt like that, but really I was just reading the boo to learn faster and help me identify where I was going wrong sooner and it wasnt in any way that the book chnged me because I have great relationshis and know how to love others and treat them with resepct. It was just being in such an unfamilair and high pressure environment I began acting in way uncharachteristicto myself and needed something like a books to give me the space between myself and t=my actions within th erelatioship to see how they were unhealthy and see how I wouldnt do that in any other relationship so it makes no sense to do it in a romantic one etc. So the book didnt change me but helped me get back to myself and who I really am, but she believes who I really am is what I already showed her. And thinks the booked changed me. rather than the books helped me get back to myself and my center.
I know and hve faith that either Il end up with her or someone better and that its only a matter of time and that I just need to be patient. Patience is knwoing what to do in the meantime and i know that the only thing I can be doing is prearing by building myself and my confidence which insecurity was the thing that ruined this relationship. and will be the thing that ruins my next if I dont fix it.After much thinking the only way to begin feeling proud about myself is to begin doing actions that I am proud of. So in this season the only thing I can do is just begin by doing the actions that making me proud of myself, working out, working hard on my school , and on my gioals and ambitions, nd just doing the difficulkt thinsg that I know are good for me dily. This is something I have been knowing I need to do for years but have never begun out of weakness. But also it may be somthing deeper bcause after alyssa and I finished I was talking with my family and telling them how meaningless I felt everything was. How i couldnt see the point of doing anything if it wasnt for someone else. I was telling them how I felt the most motivated I had in years after meeting alyssa because I wanted to begin working so hard for her to make her proud and happy and make her life better and our relationship better. They told me and why didnt you want to do all that for yourself. You say you wanted to do all this for her because you loved her, but you never did it for yourself and cause you loved yourself. They told me I need to begin by loving mysefl and doung things that show me I love myself, such as working hard and stuff, and that I shouldnt find all my purpose and meaning from my relationship. it shouldnt be the thing that gets me out of bed each morning. So I will begin by working hard, the way i always known I should be because that will build my confidence and self love and indepence and make me the best possible man for the next girl. Even still I do not belive that I need to be alone forever until this work is finished I think there is something very beautiful and special about havingt this adventure with someone else and growing with someoine else, and that that journey togethe rmay be more special than that journey alone. But that is in God’s hands at this point.
I loved how she was entreenearial and adventurous. She was raised in argentine and could live in tougher circumstances where things werent pect always clean and perfectly working. she ws resilient and resourceful. These are great qualities in a woman to me bacsuse based of the life I want to live I they are very important. She ws a rock climber and very atheletic, she road a one wheel. She wanted to make videos and be creative just like me. She didnt want to work for someone else her whole life and was actually willing to take the risk and live differently like i was. We could have traveled and camped and lived such a beautiful life for as long as we wanted to. It hurts me that she gave up on the potential for such an amazing future, but i also really respect her because she honestly evaluated the present and knew based off of probability that things would never change. and she as strong enough to walk away. I think honeslty is extrememly healthy and wise. I just hope she can see that with the possibility of the beautiful future we both imagined, she should give us one more chance, because if I am the man she dreamed I was then thinsg can only be better from here on out and that future is possible again, and if I am not changed and not ready she will no soon enough and can just break things off again once and for all knowing she gave it every chance she did, knowning shed regret things she didnt try more than thinsg she did, so she should try this one one time, and knowing that she only lost a little more time and a little more pain.
My mistakes of bringin up her past and allowing myself to act very childishly and the pressure that constantly put on the relationship and how I ruined beautiful moments. Tell the paddle board story. Tel how it was so beautiful and I told her I wanted to marry her, which we had already talkedabout, but I think very unwise;y, and when we began talking about dates the two I said were 11/11 and 1/11 because those were special and symbolic numbers for me. They both were related to her past relationship though. One was the day after her her aniversery with her first boyfriend and the other was his birthday. Normally I would just laugh that off but I allowed it to affect me and I allowed myself to pout, which are things once again I would never allow myself to do in a normal relationship but I thought that in a romantic one this type of behavior was okay. It made me feel weak though and it pushed her away. And I thought it was her fault becaus eif she wouldhnt have had that past relationship she wouldnt have brought these things into our and I ouldnt get sad, but in retrospect she cant change the past and i shouldnt want her to and I am in cintrol of myself and my responses my actions and my emotions.
People wanted me to just begin saying she was crazy and not the girl I thought she was once i told them how she handeled the end. but i fiund that to be a subtle form of victimhood. I am trying to just take resosibility and learn from every bad thing because that is the onluy way i can ensure my future relationships will be better. Also, i really don’t think think she did much wrong. I do see her reactions in a lot of ways as healthy. the only bad thing was she ghosted me. But she stopped telling me she loved me and broke things off basically as soon as her feelings changed. And she told me she wasnt coming to greece as soon as she decided. Now, she did tell me we were just taking a break. and in retrospect I think she really was just breaking up with me and didn’t want to say that, but that is understandable to. It hurt me a bit cvause it gave me false hope for a while, but I know I have done worse than that in the past.
I love the way she melted when I looked at her. I love the way she melted when i touched her. I loved her humor. I loved her smile, I loved her eyes, i loved her skin. Our bodies genuiniely seemed made for each other. they looked so similar. and our personalities, when i was myself seemed perfect for each other too. It was really the most beutiful experience of my life and I am really sadi it ended so soon, but I am hopeful for the future and know that more beautiful moments like this exist for me in the fuiture. One slight fear that I have is that I will never get as beautiful of a falliung in love story again, but if I eventually get a a better relationship with maybe a worse story than I wont be so sad.
I am also worried that I will never meet any as compatible with my personality. Our opinions and temperments and beliefs and tastes were so alike. We really wanted and desired very similar things out of life and i know ee could have build a beautiful life around those things. BUt once again your cant worry about stuff lik that. Whatever is meant to be will happen. and you rally just have tio trust god plan you have to trust fate.
I need to tell the story of how we met and the thinsg we did.
There are so many thinsg I still wanted to do with her. SImle things! I just wish we could have went to bed earlier and woke up earlier and cooked breakfast with each other. I wish we could have walked and talked more without pressure, I wish we could have swam more and done more breathe holding contests, I wish we could have slacklined, and rockclimbed, and luaghed more. These are all things I know we could have done with more time and less insecurity and doubts on my end.
If things dont work out with her, I do believe I will begin trying to remain sexually pure again. I still dont want to slee around. I know when I foresaw myself being with her forever at the begin it did kid of scare me the thought of never sleeping with another woman, but those thoughts and fears have died, and I know more than ever now thaT i only want to have sex with people I love deeply.
I am thankful for the whole experience, even losing my virginity something I thought Id regret because it have given me such a new and beautiful perspective on sex. It has made my expectations so much more realistic, it has shown me how disgusting porn is, it has even shown me how much worse I feel after masterbaiting without porn than after beautiful sex. I want to just begin being pure. Doing all the things I have always known were right, but that when temtation would hit I would give into because I could tell myself they didnt matter that much, but now I see just how important they are. The fact that I watched porn made her very insecure and it affected my ability to be fully present during sex. I am thankful for this experience and what i learned from it.
Literarly minutes before I went on my first date with Alyssa I saw a quote by Carl Jung which said, become your worst fear. This quote really stuck out to me and now I see how that quote really is great advice in some ways. It is extremely painful advice but I know it will bring in massive peronal transformations for me. I lost my virginity which was a huge fear of mine, then I had a perfect thing and was not good enough to keep it in my life, which was actually the deeper fear, and the reason I always tried to keep my virginity because I felt that people who slept around were injuring thereselves and making themselves more shallow vessels and that eventually theyd meet their perfect person and not be able to keep them because they werent deep enough and could not hold enough water. That was always the image in my head. And I became that person with Alyssa. I wasnt cabable of keeping her because of all my insecuity I ushed her a way, I was a vesel not comforatable with having a perfect blessing in its life. I need to become a person capable of recognizing a great thing and allowing it into his life rather than pushing it away out of fear. Finally, I had a relationship which I thought would cure my every ailment of the soul, and it didn’t, that terriefied me. But I still had the relaionship and that gave me a lot of comfort and peace, but then I lost the relationship and I thought that was the end of my world I thought that would be the end of my life and it wasnt. for a second I thought there was no hop because I had always found my hope when my internal state was sad and depressed that eventually Ill feel better when I have a relationship. Then I lost this relationship and I had no hope at all, but I couldnt give up on life and living a life of meaning, so I had to find a new thoings to find hope and meaning in that can sustain me through all of lifes troubles. For me the answer I had been learning throughout the whole trip that the only thing that could get me through was having an identity in Christ which I think is sybolic of living a life of self-transformation and growth. But i’ll make another video on this eventually.
The quote from JAmes Hollis you can expect someone to fill your holes.
The insecuriity I we had when someone was just thinking because we were in sucha fragile state because of the dis=tance and kniwng wed be leaving each other soon and stuff like tiis.
How she said she was still so young and just wanted to have more life and more adventures. I agree but I also think that we could have had bigger and better adventres together than either of us could have had alone.
We were so compatible in so many ways. We both loved morining breathe kisses, we both loved to go for walks, we both loved the same music, we bioth wanted a life of activity and beautiful experiences. We had talked about traveling to argentine in a van and living for very cheap together while we tried to build busineses online. We talked about while we were there going camping and rock climbing and leaning tango and salsa. We could have lived three months in france were with her family and three months in america with mine and then travel to other places.
She had a desire to make videos to and be reative and we could have done thi together and been creative tigether and wok with each ither and hel the other achiev their goals.
She had a failry big tik tok following but was not addicted to her phone and she could have definitely begun griowing that and earning profit and I wanted to help her in any way I could. Her old videos she made were so funny and I lved them and I lived her sense of humor.
She at one point said I made her laugh and that that was a great sign.
She once told me this beautiful little story about realtionships that I just wished I would have lsitened to sooner. She talked about how its just like having a potato in front of your. You dont decicide beofre you eat the poato whether youll love it, you just keep taking bites. This story is beautiful because it shows really how realtionships develop. You cant predict their out come and their is always risk that the other person is who you think they are and wont be good for you lobg term. But if you try to figure all of that out in the begiinning you’ll kill seeds the relationship befire it even has a chance to grow. I did that with alyssa. I put far too much ressure and was never in the moment. I wish more than anything I could change that and just get with her again and be myself, unburgdened by any oif the fears or insecurities like is she the one for me will this last could I see myself with her forever. Is that qulity she just showed me good enough. If i would have just let all of that go and lived with her in the present and been myself and stuck to my word and let her sleep and not tried to keep her up just cause i wanted more time with her cause I had an emoty bucket if I would have just filled my own bucket rather than looking for her to fill mine by being perfect, the i know thi could have been a beautiful relationship. But in life you dont always get second chances.
I will stop my lus=tful eyes to from here on out. it brought me pain before and it brought me pain in the relationship and since i have been killing it and its made my life better and I see now that it is very important because it created insecuroty within the relationship.
I feel more human now. I see that everyone must go through heartbreak and that although it is the most painful experience similar to the death of a loved one, but worse in some ways because it riddled with regrets of what you wish you could have done better. Lyrics to so many songs have more meaning to me now. I have a more genuine hope no that I dont have hope that a relationship will fix me one day. I will live my life in the meantime much better and muc healthier.
Read her letter that she wrote to me in the video. Explain how she put the flowers and explain how perfect she was.
Talk about how I have hope for something better. Because its the only thing you can do. I just must trust gid. If I am meant o be with alyssa then I will be so happy if our paths can cross again, but also I dont want to force that because if God does have someone so much better in stire for me and a plan so much better for my life then I just need to accept the pain of loss now and hope for something better in the future.
I don;’ want to get in her way. If she wanted to go back to school or get back woth her boyfriend id be happy for her. She did change a lot of her life lans extremely fast once she met me, and that does kind of seem immature and irrespionsible, but I know the feelings were string and true and I still know that the life we could have began making with one another would have been extermely successful and fulfu=illing and happy for both people
I knwo now that realtionships arent hard work and drama. I sa that my whole life and I guesss that what I thought mine needed to be.. and emotional roller coaster. But really a relationship shouldnt be much differnet from a friend ship and you should just enjoy each other and be there fore each other. The trust will be built in time if you keep doing that and there is no need to worry abou the futi=ure or past if you just create a beautiful present moment.
I have learned that I need to get ot of my head and into the externa real world present more. This behavior is what ruined my relationship. and then after she left me it made the pain of losing her so much wiorse cause I couldnt stop thinking about her, and everything I ahddone and ho bad I wanted her. and when I was in the relationshoip I couldnt stop tinking of my doubts and her past. Once she left me and I kept making myslef miserable with thought I have begun just being intentional about gtting out of my head and into my body into the presnet moment, by doung things with my hands and my body. I nee dto be more action oreineted and stop laying around thinking all the time, Thi is the only medicine to a restlss mind and if I would have learne this lesson sooner I think it would have saved the relationship.
We had the ame values of not being on our phone and being a good listener (although wasnt the listener I normally am with her cause I was in my head too much, which is another thing I regret because every word she said, even when we disagreed brought me so much joy, And she had the most beautiful voice that I have ever heard because she had an argentinian accent and a french one. She was so beaitiful and precius and special to me. She was perfect fo rme. I just wish I could have seen this when i had her. BUt sometimes it takes immense pain to learn.
Even still I havent knoiwn her long enough to know if wed actually be perfect for one another, the way she handeled then end how fast her emotions changed do kind of worry me because it just didnt seem normal, but I also can see how it may be healthy because she basically just decided she wasnt goin to tolerate my behavior and she didnt think it would age well and o she made the wiset decison for her self at the time. But also I think she should give this one more chnce because she is forcing an outcome that she feels safe with by ending it eaerly without another chance and she is givibng up on the whole potential of the future. She felt a painful present and may be giving up on a million more beautiful present moments in the future for the painful present I made her feel in the past.
I know as good as I made her fel at some points I canmake her feel over and over again, with only another chance. I know who I am and if she is like I thought she was I know it can work. I just was so riddled by the insecurity o flosong her and the insecurity of her not loving me as much as I lived her that i psuhed her way.
I also pushed her away when i expected her to fill me. nd then when she would Id find faukts with her bcause those must have been the reasons why I didnt feel fulfilled if I had everything I ever wanted. Then id push her away vcause I was sad she didnt fulfill me , but then when I had created distance between me and her i felt empty and lost because I had misidentified that I was going to be complete by a relationship, so then I’d work very hard to get her back. But all in all I just wore her out.
Anoitherthing I did to wear her out is everytime Id have a lot of time to myself on a train or when thing Id bomabrd her phone with a bunch of long texts that were exhausting. and tiring and deep diffucult questions. and once again mostly about her past. It was such a shame in retrospect and I regret it so much. I was just needy and worriesome. I wanted all of her attention, and I constantly needed her to reassure me that she did love me and that i could trust her. I regret this so much. You really need to be able to stand on your own and regulate your own emotions and not need constant reassurance and attention from your partener you will just wear thenm out.
I was also just extremely selfish with her. Once agai because i was al;ways just in my own head and not in the external world i was alweays just thinking anbout myself and mys emotions and not thinking about her and her feelinbgs. I would keep her up at night on the phone and talk to her on her breaks. Then wed get together and because we didnt have a lit of time together wed stay up all night. And every day she would have to go to work for like 12 hours, and I was on vacation jsut resting and doing nothing.
Because My whole life was dong nothing and coinsumed only by her and thoughts of her I wanted it to be the same for her. and soI tried constantly to be talking to her when she was off of work and stuff. And if I would have been bringing joy and value to her in these conversations then it maybe could have been could but I brouyght mostoy my fears and doubts and worries and I pushed her away. it it vitally imporatant that you dont make your relationship the center of your life but maintain your life and goals and stuff so that there is not so much ressure on your partner to fix you and fill your needs. I wish I would have cared about her and her needs more and gave her the time and space during her breaks to live her life and take care of her responsibilitiwes and i wish at night I would have let her go to sleep.
I basically just was fully consumed by her and wanted her to be fully consumed by me but this just led to me limiting her in a tiuysand little ways. if she becomes my whole world and I become her whole world, both of our worlds become much smaller and life becomes less beaitiful and we both feel more trapped. If I could do it again Id give her soace to live her life and I would be actively building my life so that we can joing together and our world become bigger rather than tryng to make both of our world’s smaller.
She wanted me to have relationship before because she thinks the fact that I didnt have onemade me make all the mistakes i made. I think she was right and I wish shed give me a secind chance so that she can be my second relationship and I could come into my new relationship wih all the lessons I had from the first.
Ultimately, we only had 7 weeks together and that isnt enough time tomake something truly deep grow. Its not enough time to know if you want to marry someoen, its not enough time to begin talking about marriage, its not enough time to begin being so seru=iouss and heavy in every conversation. Its only enough time to try to build the friendshio and enjoy each others company in the presnet. and I didnt do that because I was so afraid I would invest all of my love in her and lose her or find out we werent compatitble. the sad reality is though that everything I did learn about her showed me more and morew that we would be compatible and then my fear that we wouldnt work out only led me more and more to psuh her away.
The sad thing is too, that anytime I was just myself and talking opemly she would just look at me with so much pride and pleasure and joy and tell me how much she enjoyed hearing that, and how much she liked the way I thought. And I felt the same about her, even when she said thinsg I didnt necessarily agree with I loved it, but she felt I didnt pribably cause my facial expressions did reveal conflict, but everytime she was just herself and opened up to me and I saw her and heard her as she really was and thought i was the happiest man alive and i wish I would have nurtured more moemnts like that.
By trying to force an outcome you lose that outcome. That is another bit of wisdom she taught me. Iwas always trying to plan the future and tell her this will be great or that will be great if we just did this and everytime she felt that I was putting tio much pressure on it and making whatever happened worse just by all of thiose expectations. I regret this so much to and its another things I would change. I really just wish I could express how importanty it is to live in the present moment.
This is another thing where I think wed be greta complimenets to one anotherr. I struggle with living in the presnent and she brings me there . And shes an active perosn who just wants to be foung great and fun things rather than thinking about them and I want to learn that from her to and I just think if we could have more time with one onther we could grown eavchother in our stregnths and in their weaknesses.
She kept saying she wantd it to be like the first days in st cyr. and at that time I didnt see myself ever loving her so I was just enjoying the moment with her. and when i was that dude she was able to love me. And I can be that dude. and I will be with the next girl. But once I began catching feelings I got in my head and became less of myself. The only thing that changed aboyt me is that I began living less in the present and began worrying more and becoming more demanding of her time and attention as I lioved her more. And that is such a shame. I wish i could so this over too.
She wishes I would have taken more initiative and led us to do more fun things rather than just lying around all day. I was beeing very lazy cause I had never had sex before and just only wanted to do that with her. I regret this too. If only I would have invested in the relationship rather than always trying to have sex, the sex would have come naturally and i would have put less pressure on her and the sex , and we would have created more beautiful moments tohgther. which in retrospect are all that I remember and its not the sex. And she would always tell me this to when I couldnt stop thinking about her past relationship, but now I see its true. Sex is good, but what you remeber and relaly value it the beautiful moments with the person.
She kept saying toward the end how she just wished things could be like they were at the beginjing in St cyr. I would take thi to offense a little bit because it hirt me that as she was getting to no me more she was liking me less. But in retrospectthat was when I was most myself. That was beofre I love her so I was able to be myself with her without any fear insecurity or expectations. or pressure. I just wish I could have another chamce to be with her again possesing all the experience and wisdom I have now. I know Id better be abl eto be myself with her again and I know if I could do that the love would come back.
I can work with her at her restaurant.
Just open up honestly about how when i was writing this script i see hwo beautiful all of our moments together were, how actually perfect they were and how it wasnt until after I lover her that i began putting to much pressure and insecuriti=y and expectations on the relationship.
Open up aout how if i get a second chance I wouldn't want to put any pressure on the relationship to become something, no would I want to put any pressure oin the girl to be anything. I would just want to enjoy the relationship in confidence and trust that being in the preenet and enjoying the present is the best and only way to give a beautiful futiure a chance. There can be all this pressure. That kills the relationship and prevents it from growing. When you try to force it to be something. If you want it to be anything, even if you want it to be something that lasts the only way to give that a chance of happening is to not care for the end result its just to plant seeds in the present.
We definitley did wring by saying so much so soon, that now puts pressure on the relationshio, but I am sure thst we were both always honest and that iof there would ever be a second chance we would be starting at such a great point with a huge advantage, of knowing the other person really well and knowing that of both parties can access theemsleves taht we can be very compatible and be happy and feel extremelyt high emotions.
I love to dance and so does she and we could keep dancong with one another.
She liked how I wasn’t on my phone a lot and lived in the moment and I was intentional about that before I met her and when I was with her, but when I wasn’t with her I began always being on my phone and stopped being present in the places I was visiting. You must keep your virtues and keep you good habits with your partner that you had when you attracted them. If you lose all the good habits you had that attracted you partner once you get them then you lose the pride you have in your self which will make you secure and confident in the relationship and then your partner loses the benefit of being with that man of your character.
We both loved the smell of our own farts and live fart and poo jokes!
We were always told we were such a cute couple!
I loved the way she dressed! She had such adorable style.
I thought love was hard but it doesn’t have to be.
Just because love comes, it doesn’t mean it’s permanent. It must be earn d in every interaction. You and you actions must me worthy of love in order to maintain it. Love doesn’t last forever all though it feels very strong. It must be maintained like a garden is maintained. But that doesn’t mean it’s hard work. It just means be yourself and happy and enjoy the present. Don’t put pressure or expectations on the love. Just let it grow.
I know I’ll be able to love again, I know I’ll be able to get over her in time. I just know the next time I love how much more capable I’ll be of actually loving based off of all that I have learned from my experiences with her. And I just want to chance to make the love and feeling with her again. Cause I know our personalities are compatible.
There are a few things I kept saying that now I know where lies. I think was saying them to mask my real desires and that was that when I kept bringing up the past I would clarify I’m not try to hurt you, but I think I was cause I wanted her to regret those decisions she made so that I could know she wouldn’t make them again. And this was a fear of uncertainty a few that I wouldn’t be able to trust her in the future if I couldn’t trust her character in the past. But once again now I know the only way to guarantee the future is to live happy in the present and I do believe if I would have just kept being myself uninhibited by insecurities and fear the person I am would have kept her happy and fulfilled day after day and the live would have grown and she would have never had a reason or desire to leave.
Another thing I kept saying when I was with her was that I didnt come her just for the sex , but based off of how I treated her my actions show that I was there just for the sex.
Between these and all of the over exaggerating I did. Making things seems much bigger than they were when they weren’t and telling her I would stop bringing up the past if she just answered one more question and saying tonight we’ll hang up early and let you sleep and never doing any of that I know I lost her trust. Trust really is built in the smallest honest actions. I wish I would have know this then too. I would have stuck to my word better and stopped thinking that hey it’s just a small thing and I want to talk to her more or hey it’s just an small thing and I need to hear the answer to this question. All of these going against my words broke the trust and I feel terrible for this too.
Talk if the terrible thing I find at the restaurant talking to the girls. Explain the potential reason for why I maybe did that too.
Woman want a man who is confident in his skin has a vision and a mission and is having fun while he gets there. When I met her I was all of those things, but once I fell in love I became insecure that the love wouldn’t last and that made me stop having fun. And the girl became my purpose. All of these things. It could be because before I was doing all of these things for myself but largely because I was trying to find my love and be attractive to women, but sense finding my woman was a large motivation when I found her I I lost all of the things that made me attractive to her. I need to work on making all of those things actual states of being and not things that I pretend in order to find a woman. Cause if your just pretending in order to have the facade of a put together and attractive man, then when you get the girl you lose you reason for doing things.
I didn’t need to change. The book didn’t change me. I haven’t changed in order to that I can keep you. There was never anything wrong with me. I am a man with a good character who most people when they meet love and recognize my value and my virtue and my strength of character. Nothing changed me. My first experience with love though revealed a lot of the chinks in my armor. I would be able to change fast enough to be ready to try to be with you again Alyssa. I agree change can’t happen that fast. But I didn’t need to change I have mostly a great system for how I interact with other and the way I treat and live others. Romantic love just brought out plenty of fear and jealousy in me. I simply had to uncover what about live gave me that response. It was a lack of security and a real belief that a relationship would solve all of my problems. Now that I have simply just fixed my expectations and altered the unhelpful beliefs I had I know I can enter into a relationship and be myself and be respectful and be fun and be in the present and be secure. And caring. I’m not saying I’ll be perfect. But I know I’ll be able to do them as good as anyone if not better than most. I’m really sure if this.
You don’t need to live on hope. Live in the present with me again. Forget the past and just give me one more chance. You’ve proven to yourself you can leave if things get bad. But things have potential to be great and you’d be missing out on all of that simply because you are afraid of getting hurt. I’m not asking you to live on hope . I’m asking you to live in the present with me, but just for one more month or less and maybe more… it’s up to you you can leave whenever you want but I do t want you to cut it off too early. Before we’ve given this adventure it’s full attempt. The second things get baf just call them off as you have already done and I’ll leave. But if things get better and stay better you’ll be so happy in the present that you’ll be thankful you have this another chance. I really and the man you fell in love with in St cyr. I’m so much more that man than the insecure and jealous one. I just needed some time to get back to my center. I know myself relationship is going to be so much better after all I’ve learned. Why don’t you be my second! You’d be blessed to be her. And since you had to put up with all the learning experiences that the first had to take. You deserve the fruits of what I’ve learned more than anyone. Don’t let my changes and the blessing I’ll be to the next one go to someone else.

Script Draft.

Introduction.

Hi, my name is Laban LaGreca the founder of Autodidact, which is project that hopes to turn my ongoing self-educative exploits into art and knowledge for anyone who’d like to follow along.

I am making this video for a few reasons. The first is to help myself cope with the loss of my first love. To help myself move on once and for all. The second reason is that this gives me a great reason to analyze the whole situation and condense it into the most important lessons I learned, and this will serve my third and most important reason, which is to help anyone who’d listen to my story not make the same mistakes I did. If I can save anyone from the pain I have felt over the last week, I will be able to see all of this as worthwhile. Not to mention, I’m also desperate to learn these lessons for myself because I never want to do what I have done in this relationship again either. I am excited of the possibility of transmuting my pain into a service for myself and everyone else willing to learn.

Narrative.

Allow me to tell you the story of how I had everything I ever wanted, and how I out of insecurity pushed it away from me. Allow me to tell you the story of how I had everything I ever wanted, only to realize that it was not everything I ever wanted.

Sermon.

Stay in the Present.
Embrace Uncertainty
Appreciate and Accept what right in front of you without any fear of losing it.
Your Insecurity and your Unhappiness comes from within. If you fix that, you will be able to keep and grow beautiful things.
Stay out of your head and get into the external world.
Leave things unspoken. But never lie. Good communication is vital, but over communication is detrimental.
Things can grow under pressure. Just take things as they come and enjoy the present moment.
Still look for things that may become problems, but trust that you will be strong enough to break things off once they
Do estimable things daily. If you are not willing to do great things for yourself, you wont be ready to do great things for others.
Intimacy does not mean saying your every passing thought. Intimacy is had by spending great time together and never lying. But it doesnt mean saying things that will harm intimacy
Dance with uncertainty. Don’t need to force an outcome. Don’t need to force her to be what you want.
Don’t always belive that the person who belives he is the least likely to do something is actually the most likely.
There is always hope.
take control of your minds focus and work on you ability to control and direct your focus.
Get out of your head and into the real world

Poem.

O mistress mine, where are you roaming?

O, stay and hear; your true-love's coming,

⁠That can sing both high and low:

Trip no further, pretty sweeting;

⁠Journeys end in lovers' meeting,

Every wise man's son doth know.

What is love? 'tis not hereafter;

Present mirth hath present laughter;

⁠What's to come is still unsure:

In delay there lies no plenty;

⁠Then come kiss me, sweet-and-twenty,

Youth's a stuff will not endure.